FUNK!

I totally should have written this yesterday while I was off...but I didn't.  Instead I spent my day screwing around with the pups, running a few errands, gym-shopping-dinner with the Mister then sleep...all in all a nice day off really and I made this bumpin marinated pasta/veggie/feta salad for dinner that was kind of healthy when topped with some grilled chicken tenders in a tangy red wine vinaigrette. Pretty delicious!

I've been having a FUNK week. Actually probably more like 2 weeks.  Ok, realistically it's probably been more like the last year, but the last 2 weeks have been pretty brutal.  Its been the kind of March that pretty much makes me want to curl up in a ball somewhere and weep or (and this is definitely more my style) start shooting and ask questions later.  Lucky for all I am not a truly violent person & I have learned to control my homicidal urges...

So I finally went to the doc about the excessive neck & back pain that I was chalking up to stress...i NEVER have a shortage of that and in the last couple months its been bad. Turns out that after some xrays & an MRI I apparently have some kind of cysts on the nerve endings near my neck that are the cause of this pain. Stress definitely wont help the situation, but its the root cause as far as I know...thats kinda good news!  I'll be honest here, I've been entirely too chicken to Google it. Im sure there is a wealth of information out there that I could acquire, but Mister hasnt sent me any links & Ive always taken a "it's probably better if I dont know then I wont have to worry" attitude in situations like this.  Yes, I am painfully aware this is somewhat stupid, but its not like I can fix this with the Google & I really dont need to be obsessing about what kind of cancer I have until JUNE 14th (yes thats right, JUNE 14th) which is the soonest I could get in to the neurologist my doc referred me to. Three months. Yeah, fuck the google...id really rather not drive myself batty in the next 3 months worrying.  Side note- I am working on trying to get it all moving faster, so I will try some other neurologists if I cant get this one to bump my appt. I cant be in this kind of random pain until June. Nosireebob!

Work can basically suck my ass.  I can honestly say that for the first time in 9.5 years with this company I sincerely had to talk myself back into my office. I'm not a quitter by nature, but it really and truly took all I had to convince myself that I was going to FUCK myself hardcore if I got up and walked out of there last Tuesday. Even my most reliable, in the voice of my mother of course, nagging about my responsibilities and obligations did nothing to stop the myriad of justifications I had for just disappearing from my desk never to return with a simple "Sorry, I cant take this bullshit anymore. Gone NUTSO! XOXO Mindy" note on the desk.  There were 2 things that made me stay. Two. 9.5 years at this place and I could only think of 2 reasons to not walk. 1) Health Insurance. With all the shit going on with my back & neck and knowing that there may possibly really be something wrong I cant afford not to have it and cant afford to pay Cobra $400 a month to keep it. That fucking SUCKS. 2) I dont know that I would be able to look myself in the eye knowing that I did that. That I walked away just like that. That it beat me. That I quit. Ive struggled with quitting this job for a long time, and even though I plan to do so at some point this year a very small part of me still feels like it is because the place and job beat me. I KNOW in my head that it hasnt, this is just not what I want out of my career/life, by in my heart it still feels that way. I also know in my head that admitting that the job beat me isnt the end of the world and is irrelevant in the grand scheme...but I also HATE that it may have beaten me, I dont really get beaten at things that matter, at least not thus far... I will wrestle this into submission, knowing that the job may not have beaten me, but the jackass I work for, in all of his infinite wisdom and confusing-makes-no-sense bullshit, did. And that for some reason bothers me a lot less. The most apt comparison I can make is that working with/for The Wizard is most often the equivalent of working for The Joker (preferably the Heath Ledger version if you please). He is an agent of chaos, there is no logic to how his mind works, no consistency to his actions and no stop to his frustrating games. You cant beat this kind of person mainly because the game changes on a whim...and that I do understand in my heart and my head.

We are planting a garden this year!!! Mister has the walls we need to put up roped off, the little seedlings are all planted & growing quite well and Im excited.  We are going to have a ton of fresh veggies! Tomatoes, zucchini, green beans, snap peas, japanese radish, carrots, a shit ton of fresh herbs and a bunch of other things Im not remembering. Cant wait to get it constructed so I can map it out and get it planted.  I always liked gardening with my dad, we shall see if I remember what he taught me and if I can grow my garden as well as his will be...shit I might even try recruiting a little help ;-)

Im filling in on line this weekend at one of the restaurants (this was item #27 that almost made me walk Tuesday) so that should be entertaining. I dont have to do that very often, and when I do I am usually pretty amazed at how quick it comes back, the flow, movement, pace...and I enjoy it.  Its the kind of work you just have to do, not THINK about it. And I think thats the kind of work I can get behind about now.