ISO: Anwers!!!

Well I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend!  I was actually off both days, took only a very few work calls that were necessary and relaxed enough that I slept through the night last night into today...thats actually a pretty epic score. Generally speaking I spend Sunday night lying in bed, trying to sleep, getting myself all properly stressed out for Monday...cuz ya know starting every week tired & strung out is always a great idea! Well at least this week I am not tired....well mostly.

Good news?!?! Oh yeah I have some good news! So me & the Mister almost finished the retaining wall that we need to have in so we can plant the garden.  We will have to go pick up ONE more load of bricks from Lane Block to complete the wall then we need a truck ton of dirt so I can lay out and plant.  I got some more veggies & strawberries too! All told this is going to be a pretty ambitious project/garden seeing as I haven't ever in my life sincerely tended a garden. My parents have like 10 green thumbs between them...I on the other hand dont seem to have any.  Its a running joke with the Mister actually that I can kill any plant I am given.  Lucky for me I have stepped to the challenge and have successfully kept alive a rubber tree, spider plant a few miscellaneous other things for over a year so I am feeling pretty confident that I can pull this off with Mister's help.  Its not a lack of ability, it that I forget to care for the little buggers and they die.  Either way I am excited as hell to have this project for the summer.  I have about 20 different little started plants to get into the ground and I should have one hell of a take this summer & fall.  I do love the Farmers Markets but there is something to be said for growing it all at home yourself! On a side note anyone who needs or wants to buy good block for a project like this I highly recommend Lane Block in Carnegie.  They are a bit off the beaten path, but are 1/3 the cost of all of the big chain home improvement places, super great to deal with and make good products.  This thing would have cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $900 if we had done it at Home Depot or Lowes, it has run us less than half of that with all materials AND you support a local business instead of a national chain....that alone is enough for me!

So this is also Mister's last week at his current job with me. He put his notice in a few weeks ago and is going to be moving on to an easier gig for the moment that will give him some time to regroup after working with the Wizard for this long.  I have very mixed emotions about this move.  Mostly I am really happy for him though, and just amazingly sad for me.  I am happy for him because I have already watched this job just about destroy him, our marriage & lives once and knowing that it isnt going to happen again makes my heart feel good, just seeing how much happier he is after making the decision and DOING it makes me ecstatic for him, knowing that there are great things on the horizon for him in the future and that he will accomplish them because he isnt going to be so beaten and defeated by this job is a huge plus for him and us....all of these things are reasons to be excited for him and looking forward to moving on and taking our lives back from the Wizard....

But the other side of this coin...Im still here. Im still dealing with the Wizard. I get to continue to smash my head in the car door trying to make it all fit for my delusional boss.  I know. Its my choice, and one that is weighing heavily on me at the moment. This sense of obligation I feel to fix this for the Wizard and make sure he is ok is ridiculous. I have no idea where it comes from. I am going to blame my father, actually. I inherited his infinite martyrdom and its why I have such a hard time doing things for me when I feel that I am needed.  I thrive on being needed, its a very large part of who I am and what makes me good at what I do...but at what cost?

Ive been wrestling with this since Mister gave notice. I would fuck the Wizard if I left. Would it be the end of him? Hell no...this place existed long before I got here and will continue well after I leave...I know no one is irreplaceable. Would it level a crippling blow? Oh most definitely.  The kids have been pretty quiet about Mister's exit.  There have been some rumblings, but they all know that he has been majorly unhappy...my exit would raise more eyebrows for sure and probably start an exodus as folks looked for new jobs.  That really isnt my problem though.  So to decide....do I stay here? Do I keep fighting for my people? The ONLY reason I am even having this much trouble is that I feel obligated to keep at this for my people. The people who work for me, the people who suck their shit through a straw, keep up with his absurd micromanagement, keep showing up, working hard and making my restaurants run. The people that I respect, like and would jump in front of a bus for because they would do it for me in a minute.  A lot of us have been together for years now and there is a large part of me that feels like I am abandoning them with the Wizard and leaving them to fail, and thats the part I am having trouble stomaching.  I KNOW they would all understand, they see what I do how thin I am spread and how difficult it is to do the 3 jobs I do and they help me all they can and I dont think one of them really gets why I keep doing it. They are why I do it. I do it because they do it and we are a team. But I dont think that is good enough.

So I have a decision to make. And Ill be honest rarely does it take me long to make any important decisions...weigh the facts and make a call, but this one isnt so easy.  Money I am not worried about. Its just money. I work hard and can find a way to make it work.  We have been broke before and its not the end of the world.  Jobs in this industry are easy to come by and I can always find a way to make some money...even if its less than I'm making now. Budgets can be reworked and we will muddle through this.  My problem? This job saps the life out of me and makes it very hard to be excited about anything else...which makes completing a business plan and finding money to open my place almost impossible. It literally just sucks the life out of me...emotionally, physically & mentally. I know in my heart that the only way I get my own  place is to leave here. That I am not going to get this off the ground with or without investors as long as I am beating my head against a wall in this place.

Oh I wish it was as easy as making a decision. I wish it was as easy as just doing what I want to do and selfishly doing whats best for me. I wish I was better at being selfish about things that really matter. I wish that I could just say fuck it and mean it and walk away without feeling responsible for all of these people. I wish I wish I wish.....but wishing isnt going to fix this bullshit mess I call a job.


What to do...the question of the ages. How long will I make it without Mister here? Do I have the ability to not get fed up with the shit storm Im about to face and NOT walk out at some point? Oh I probably do...I am nothing if not strong enough to stay standing and stupid enough to keep taking it in the face...but the real question is do I want to?  The answer is NO - I do not. 

Now to decide do I keep at it until the Wizard is stable and the new place is open or do I do whats best for my mental & physical health and walk away? This is really the struggle. I do not want to fuck him over...sincerely I do not. Part of that is selfish, my name has been attached to this place and him for almost a decade, I dont want the house of cards to collapse and have my name associated with it in any way and make me look bad. But on the other hand I know in my heart & mind that if I dont just make the call and do it that one thing will roll into another and 1 year from now I am going to be sitting here trying to figure out how another year went by and I am still doing the same damn thing I was doing a year ago. We will never be optimally staffed because the Wizard is a cheap fucker and we will STILL be perpetually hiring the wrong people because that is all we can afford.  There will always be an event or some other hullabaloo that will need organized-set up-executed. There will always be the next big thing on the horizon. There will always be a reason that I will be needed, and a reason to back burner what I want, and a reason to not jump.

I had at first thought it was fear...but I am not scared to fail. I know that I wont, thats just not my style. Then I thought it was fear of HIS failure...and that is a large part of it.  I have invested years of my life, quarts of my bloods, gallons of my sweat and tears into these places and for it to fail after all that is just infuriating. But I think when it comes down to it that the only thing holding me back is obligation & a sense of responsibility to a boss who only has his own best interests at heart and a staff who has followed & supported me for years. I dont want to screw my peeps over...but I do every day anyway because of how tightly he's got my hands tied and how thinly I am spread.

My questions to you dear readers.....are my perceived obligations to the Wizard & my staff genuine? Is it wrong of me to cut & run after this many years and this far into a new project? Granted I prob wouldnt go until the opening is all secured, but notice would be given and I would be out soon there after. Am I deluding myself via my sense of obligation and is it really this is just me too scared to jump off the fucking cliff and leave my safety zone? These are but a sampling of the questions that spend their time bouncing around my skull...and I am genuinely interested to hear outside opinions with what limited knowledge you have.  There is something to be said for unbiased opinions...and I am definitely actively searching for some.  I am not real good at selfish...but I think it may be time for one of those big 'ol "Fuck you man! This is for me!!!" moments....

Another HAPPY NEWS!!!  Perfected my chocolate chip cookie recipe....and THAT makes me happy as all hell!  Another recipe locked down after much trial & error. SMILES!!

I hope you all are having a far less trying Monday than me...or at east one with more answers than questions anyway.