Ouch! I think I bruised something when I fell off the wagon...

Ugh, but I think it was still mostly my ego. Its somewhat ironic that this post follows the Seven Days one...but I fell off the smoking wagon. I didnt fall far & I didnt jump into the deep end, but I fell none the less.  It started with a shitty day, it ended with me at Get Go buying a pack of smokes. It further ended by getting called out by Mister for cheating. Either way FAIL. And Im not real happy about it...obviously.

Excuses? Oh Im sure I can find about a bazillion.  Long story short The Wizard was being unusually anal about a new party room & it took everything I had not to tell him to just go fuck himself if he thinks we suck this bad go do it yourself. Stack that on top of an already busy week, trying to actually GET the party room set up and dealing with some overall Negative Nancys about EVERYTHING that I needed to accomplish and I got tweaky and strung out ~ two things that I generally am not. Stopped at the store to get some caffeine and with next to no thought what so ever bought a pack of smokes.

Now I only smoked 4 out of that pack, the 4th one being the one that got my ass called out by Mister for the cheat, and the next morning dipped the whole pack in water and threw it away to prevent any urge to go get them and smoke them. Main issue - my resolve is broken. I failed. Apparently that first week for me was pretty easy compared to the 2nd week for whatever reason and after a clean week I broke.

I think its time to admit defeat over this bullshit and find a different way that doesnt rely on me sticking to my guns to knock this habit out. I cant even begin to explain how unhappy with me I am at the moment, to be doing so well and then just fuck it all up. BUT I am not a dwell on what has already happened kind of gal...its a matter now of figuring out where to go from here.

I figure I have 3 options.

1. Drugs - call the doc and figure out what my options are for smoking cessation drugs. One that would make me violently ill if I tried to smoke would be ideal. The bad side is I am not a fan of pill popping, dont particularly care for the idea of pumping myself full of chemicals to kick a nicotine habit and really dont want to invest a couple hundred dollars a month into kicking an already expensive habit.  The good side is I know more than a couple people that have gone this route and it worked for them quite well with minimal side effects.  Long term going this route is STILL better than continuing to smoke.
2. Hypnotism - yeah this is totally not something that I would normally ever even consider, but its been recommended to me multiple times, doesnt involve fooling my body with a bunch of chemicals and from what I can read works in most cases. I still feel like its some parlor trick bullshit, and if it wasnt $300 per session I might have already tried it...but to shell out $300 for some dude with a watch to subliminally tell me to not smoke with NO guarantee that itll work? I dont think so. Now if I could do it and if it DIDNT work I could get my money back that would be different, but thats not the way it works from what I understand.  I honestly wonder if this is one of those things that you have to believe in in order for it to work and I think Im a tad too cynical for any methods that involve blind faith...but my mind is open & im considering it.
3. Hire a violent monkey to follow me around and pop me upside the head when I reach for a cigarette. This one has a couple different plus points 1) I get a fucking monkey! Even if its smacking me upside the head its a monkey and that would be cool. 2) It would be hella entertaining for anyone around me to watch me get the shit kicked out of me by a simian with violent tendencies when I want to smoke. 3) I would HAVE to follow my own rules because there is no reasoning with a pissed off monkey.  Now on the down side there is the whole monkey poo flinging creature thing...but really, whats a poo flinging monkey compared to a pack a day habit?

Well whatever I decide to do Im not giving up completely. I will find a way to kick this, I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that it wont be by sheer force of will and I may need some *gulp* help. I wont allow myself to go back up to even close to a pack a day...so control at this point is a must but that I can deal with, I just suck at the NONE thing. So Im going to keep fighting with myself to keep me from being a full blown smoker of 20 smokes a day (the fact that its sub fucking arctic out side will help with that), talk to my doctor to see what my options are for drugs and seriously consider this hypnotism thing because it wont hurt me to keep an open mind.

Im open to suggestions or even opinions about where I go next. Anyone out there have a magical cure for nicotine addiction and wanna share?

Im still so mad at me it's UNREAL.

SEVEN DAYS!!!!

Its been a week. A FULL WEEK! I think Im over the hump so to speak and can say with some certainty that I am a non-smoker. I can sincerely say that this is the first time I have ever made it this long without completely collapsing and just buying a pack. No cheats no matter how tempted because I know me and that would have been all it would have taken for me to fall off the proverbial wagon.

I had my first real "my precious" nicotine moment yesterday for the week and gum came to the rescue.  I have meeting with my store managers (90% of which smoke) every month and yesterday and today are those days. When the meeting breaks we generally head out front to chitchat & have a smoke, I was involved in a couple diff conversations so I wandered out with them. Mistake. 5 of them standing there smoking away in front of me. Any of them would have given me one or a hit if I had asked. First time since I quit that I actually thought well maybe Ill just have 1 and thats all. I kicked myself in the head, found my gum and resisted the urge. 

Will power has NEVER been a strength of mine when it comes to vices and I was quite proud that I didnt fold and take one. I also am still looking forward to the day that smell will gross me out. Sources say its going to be another week or so and I will start to be incredibly sensitive to it. It already repulses me when a hard core smokers wanders past me and their clothes reek of dirty ashtray, but that smell has always grossed me out. I need the wafting smell of cigarette smoke to turn my stomach...and the sooner the better.

Have to go into town post meeting tonight to visit my Gram in the hospital - Mercy.  She tripped over a rug in her bathroom and jacked up her Tibia.  Didnt break the knee cap as originally thought, but cracked the top of the tibia. After much debate it has been decided that surgery is a senseless risk that she would not benefit from, which I am pretty sure is the exact decision she wanted us to make but would do what my dad & aunt thought was best for her. At the moment she is all drugged up on pain pills so shes as comfortable as she can be and awaiting a transfer to a skilled nursing facility in Bethel Park where she will be 12 weeks in a wheel chair so it can heal.  She already walks with a cane & will now probably have to use a walker, but it will heal and she will be mostly mobile again.

Granted the injury could have been worse, but I think this is the end of her being able or even wanting to live on her own.  Shes been alone in her own home since my pap passed 6 years ago and she does amazingly well, but I think this will have shaken her and she will be afraid to stay alone.  She had to crawl to the phone to call my aunt for help and thankfully she could. It makes me sad. Shes been a strong, independent woman my entire life and it makes me sad to see that coming to an end no matter how smart or in her best interest that may be. Fortunately a lot of her church buddies have also moved into assisted living retirement homes so she will be happy to be closer to them for her card games and such and overall will still lead a very happy & much safer existence ~ but I still dont like to see it. Part of it is a sadness for the major and unexpected change she is going to go through, the other is this being a milestone in my life...she was my last grandparent that was living on her own and watching my dad have to make these decisions with my aunt for her is hard. Not only is she getting older but I am too.

She is going to be in the hospital for the holidays so we are going to do everything we can to make that as awesome for her as possible. Christmas is her favorite holiday so since she cant come to it we will bring it to her. All things considered the catalyst for this transition for her could have been so much more severe and on the sunny side I am happy as hell it isnt serious, she will heal and she will bounce back however slowly...but it still marks the end of an era that I dont think any of us were wanting to see.

Woopsy!

I got so tied up in some minor domestic goddessing yesterday that I forgot to post. This is getting monotonous I am sure but still smoke free.  I found out yesterday though that my car still has a little bit of that funk when you turn the heat on - I guess my nose is now working a bit better, too. I can only assume that the smell will go with time...and if it doesnt I will have to detail the interior of the car which sounds kind of shitty for as cold out as it is at the moment. Truth be told Im just happy that I can smell it.

So some fun news! Tim at Craft Pittsburgh Magazine has asked me to write another cooking with beer column for the next issue.  I had written the Cooking with Beer feature for the Pilot issue a couple months ago and was pleasantly surprised when it showed up in print almost exactly as I had written it with a delicious recipe for Beer Braised Chicken Thighs & Cauliflower Smash and all of my beer tip rambling.  Im flattered and excited to be participating in the next issue as well.  It will probably go to print & be available for download sometime in late January early February.  Honestly I was quite impressed with the magazine.  Tim believes, and I happen to agree, that our fair city has one hell of a beer scene that is grossly neglected in most of the regional beer rags and could be well served by a local publication so he started one.  If the pilot is any indication great things are coming and I love his website for keeping up with the latest info on beer goings on around the Burgh.

I also decided to donate some homemade cookies to Secret Agent L and her fundraiser for the CHS Christmas Cards & Cookies event coming up so that'll be fun! Gotta love it when I can help out with a charity by doing something that I love doing anyway, its a beautiful thing!

We are supposed to get some snow today...it was originally predicted at epic level proportions...I now hear maybe an inch. A note to all my fellow yinzers: CALM THE FUDGE DOWN! Its winter. We live in SWPA. Its going to get cold. Its going to snow. These are all facts. Facts we can do nothing to change. We dont need to flood the grocery stores for Milk, Bread & TP.  Wind does not require that you drive 20 miles under the speed limit because there is snow on the ground somewhere. I know Snowpocalypse is still fresh in your minds...but really, was that the worst thing ever? Lynch me if you wanna but I kinda dug it, even the shoveling part. I would rather look at snow blanketing the earth than dormant trees and dead leaves, it feels more like the holidays when there is snow on the ground and this twisted soul really genuinely enjoys the extremes of all 4 seasons we are lucky enough to experience here!

I FINALLY sort of started my Christmas shopping....I am such an AWESOME procrastinator!

Random Woooos!

Still not smoking and it gets better everyday.  Its funny how different things taste to me in less than a week.  I love it. I noticed it first on, of all things, a Diet friggin Coke and since then have found that EVERYTHING tastes better, or at the least more pungent. This is a pretty important thing for a chef...obviously.  This is really the longest I have ever made it without some type of cheat or just a plain all out fail...so if you see me daily and youre sick to hearing me woooo! about my accomplishment Im afraid youre just going to have to deal with it...I am WICKED proud of me.

Another bonus ~ I havent had to step foot into a "convenience" store in over a week. I love that. I can actually take my life in my hands and go to *GULP* Get Go (you guys know what Im talking about - that place is fucking insane no matter what or when you get there) get gas and go without having to go through any of the crap inside the store. This makes me happy.


Unrelated me & Mister went out for a late lunch yesterday & I have a note to all the dive bars/bar bars out there - stop with the frozen bullshit breaded fried chicken. Please? Seriously...it is really not all that challenging to bread and fry chicken parts to order, its actually cheaper and you can take a relatively pedestrian sandwich to another level by that one simple thing! I usually stick with wings and other bar-like noms there and decided to go for the gusto and get a sandwich ~ I know I'm living dangerously ~ but it SOUNDED good - fried chicken tenders, bbq, fried onion straws & mozzarella. The bun was perfectly grilled, the bbq was pretty good, the onion straws salty & crisp...and then those damn stupid prebreaded dry as hell flavorless yucky chicken tenders. The sandwich would have been worthy of some raves except for that one part. Two more minutes and a little bit of give a fuck and it would have been next level. Its lazy. And dumb. Bread your chicken to order. Feel the same way about places that use frozen burger patties ~ and it makes me ragey when I see people RAVE about them being the best burgers ever when I KNOW they are those damn puck burgers you can buy at Sams Club. Want a good burger? Portion fresh ground beef, dont freeze it, dont smash it into oblivion when its on the grill and put it on a good bun. Frozen burger patties? Really? You should be ashamed. Pattying ground beef is not rocket science & the end result is just a eleventy times better than ANY frozen burger patty.

It was another good day...The Pens kicked come C-Bus ass tonight and it was epic, Angkor made me my most favoritest Cambodian fried rice for dinner {note to self: figure out what that delicious sausage is in there would ya?!?} and imma bout to practice some Grand Turismo so when Mister decides he wants to challenge me I wont embarrass myself with my suck.  Also might toss together some snickerdoodles because, well, they are delicious and I want them.

Happy Saturday Y'All! Hope it was as awesome as mine if not better!

My favoritest Friday!

In the famous words of Ice Cube....today's been a good day!

Its Day #3 and I am still smoke free.  Today was actually a pretty easy one - I wasnt around any smokers all day since I was off. I had some shizzle to do this morning so I had to RO the day from work, completed obligations and then had a day with Mister. The days with Mister have become a rarity...I pretty much work all daylight and his bartending gigs are mainly at night so yeah, we see each other in passing upon occasion and if we are REALLY lucky have a matched day off ~ today was one of those days. And for the record it was an EPIC day.  I will divulge more details as to the Epic as I can, but rest assured it was the best day I have had in a very long time and barring unforeseen bullshit it will only get better from here.  WOOOOOO!!

I was feeling inspired to make us dinner tonight ~ Paupiettes of tilapia stuffed with shrimp mousseline topped with lobster hollendaise with broccoli & purple cauliflower couscous. It was friggin delicious. I forget sometimes how damn easy it is to toss together something that sounds wicked complicated in about half an hour. Felt good to cook a real meal at home as opposed to grabbing something at the restaurants, take out or cereal.

Talked Mister into getting the steering wheel doohickythingie for the Grand Turismo 5 game he bought. This is going to be a cant beat 'em join 'em scenario and the steering wheel looked kinda cool.  Thank god I can really drive better than I can in that game....prob didnt help I'm imbibing a St Bernardus Christmas while playing...but regardless I kinda suck. This is going to require some practice. I dont like hes better at me at it and I will need to fix this. Yes, I am 34 and play video games...got a prob with that?!? :-)

So today I give thanks to chewing gum for saving me from myself, for lights at the end of some tunnels and for Mister for sharing a pretty awesome day with me and supporting my crazy while I try to kick this crap habit Ive acquired. Somewhat related: He has agreed to not make me walk the dogs the whole winter when hes home if I stay smoke free ~ that is some SERIOUS motivation right there, its effing COLD out there!

This isnt as bad as I thought it would be really.

So its Day #2. This is the day that everyone has told me would be the worst. If thats true then it should be all down hill from here.  Think it helped immensely that I was busy as hell at work all day...but thats the case most days so that should continue to be helpful.  Havent had any major headaches that werent caused by a human or anything else.  I can still tell in my own head that Im edgier than normal, but it is what it is.  Still havent cheated even though I have been more than tempted by all the co-workers that have delicious cigarettes all around me, but I have adopted the "these idiots are NOT going to knock me off this wagon" mentality that seems to be working. Still taking it one day at a time and thats about all I can do. I can tell you that I am very sincerely anticipating the day that the smell of cigarette smoke will repulse me...so anytime that side effect would like to show up I would be most appreciative.

Got home last night and was thinking about bailing on the visit to Mom's but decided that sitting here all obsessing about how bad I want a smoke was a BAD idea and went.  Didnt dig through the Fenton but had a great time making cookies with my nephews and trashing my mom's kitchen. Got me thinking on my holiday baking so that will be starting soon.

So I had a little back and forth about the holiday season with some Twitter friends today and it does make me feel better that I am definitely not the only one who is just not feeling the holiday love this year.  This isnt uncommon for me - I in essence work in retail. NO ONE who works in retail loves the holiday season...you'd be a sadistic fuck if you did. But in my travels today I reflected on some things that were said by a Christmas Zealot that I follow. He's an interesting fellow that I find I rarely agree with on most things but thats what makes life interesting, right?  Bottom line his argument for all of us Bah XMas folks to just relax and enjoy it, its only a month, whats the big deal just get over it and enjoy yourself.  I get where hes coming from...hes been dry humping Christmas since Halloween and obviously is much more into it that I am and that cool, but I disagree with a lot of it. I especially found his speeches funny because this person who is all about ramming holiday cheer down all of our throats has also had his fair share of pouting & whining like a 5 year old when plans hes tried to make to help him live out this ridiculous ideal about the serenity of his Perfect Holiday Season falls through because hes living this ideal outside the realm of reality and is then just dumbfounded when real life interferes with his dream of  Normal Rockwell Christmas.  The hypocrisy of his "spread the love and all of us be happy" message is complete tossed out the window when he doesnt get his way...and me having the dark sense of humor I have finds that LaughOutLoud funny.

Its not just a month. The holiday bullshit has been on display, on my TV and generally infiltrating my existence since 2 weeks before Halloween. That makes it what...over 2 months plus of BUY BUY BUY, Norman Rockwell ideals of holiday perfection, warm fuzzies and sentimental bullshit being rammed into my consciousness for MONTHS. Thats just too much. It actually makes me want to buy less rather than more, it makes me want to dodge the retail and commercial aspects of the holidays entirely and just ignore that its coming. Its the entire retail industry's fault. There need and desire to make the holiday shopping season a quarter of the year ruins it for me.  Yeah I get that they want the sales revenue - but they have taken what was when  I was growing up a holiday that was less about spending a gajillion dollars buying a bunch of shit we dont need and was more about time with family & friends, taking time to celebrate being together and just taking the time to appreciate what you have and share it with others. 

Black Friday crap sickened me this year. People camping out in Best Buy parking lots for days, waiting in line at 3am to get some great deal, people fighting & attacking each other about toys & electronics, stores opening up in the middle of the night and psychotic people actually GOING out at 3am to shop there. I mean its news all day how many people get injured at a walmart stampede, the people arrested for assault fighting over a TV, old women being assaulted by people to get a damn doll. Really? This is what Christmas shopping has come down to? This is what this holiday as become? We should all be ashamed. They retail industry keeps taking it further because there are enough assholes out there they make money doing it. And I HATE it. With ever ounce of my being. There was a time when I enjoyed going out shopping...hunting for that perfect gift for that special someone, walking the mall and looking at decorations and just enjoying the festiveness of the season but that time has long gone. I dont find it very "Holiday Season" to go to the mall and have to deal with the assholes there that are literally and figuratively FIGHTING for the hottest trend because some ass on TV said it was the coolest shit ever and you MUST have it. Bury your head in the sand all you want...but Christmas stopped being about family & friends and started being about greed & materialism years ago and I dont have to like it.

I will definitely have my kind of Christmas. We will go to my Mom's on Christmas Eve and have a fantastic dinner with my family and sit around the tree and open gifts with the kids, we will eat until we can teat anymore, we will talk, tell stories and enjoy my mom's awesome decorating and the warm glow of lights.  I will spend Christmas Day making a feast for my family and we will spend more time eating, drinking, relaxing and enjoying each others company being thankful that we have each other and appreciating the time we have together. I will get some presents, I will much more enjoy giving presents and it will be a great holiday for us all.  I will hope we get snow, its cold and crisp and I will see Christmas lights reflecting off it giving a time of year that is usually gloomy a warm and heartening glow. I will watch Rudolf, Frosty the Snowman, Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation and all of my other favorite holiday movies. I will donate money and toys to help family's around me have better holidays and feel good that no matter how small I played a part in helping some child or family have a happier holiday. I will bake enough cookies to feed a country and revel in sharing those little pieces of me with people I genuinely care for. I will spend this holiday with a husband I adore and who adores me back, my family and friends and it will be as awesome as any has ever been and it will be far too short as always...

And even with all of those amazing things that will make this holiday awesome for me...i will still HATE the blatant commercialism that has infected this holiday like a plague, the Christmas ads I see on TV will still make me sporky especially the make me want to vomit jewelery ads (real people in real life dont fucking act like those idiots they script in those ads), I will still get ragey watching people be just dickish to each other just because they can be while wrapped up in their own selfish existences, I will still be nauseated by parents who think that the only way they can give their kids a nice holiday by buying them half of a toy store while their kids apprecaite none of the crap they get and I will still abhor the way Christmas went from family traditions to a gluttony of commercialism.

Yes, I still love Christmas, the traditions, the time to get together and enjoy our friends and family...but as a sane person I will at the same time completely hate and do my best to not participate in all of the overly commercialized and insulting transparent attempts of the majority of the planet to turn this holiday into retail gluttony.

And for any that say Im a hater...you very well may be right, but in my opinion you're living in denial if you cant see that your holiday is designed to cost you a fortune, stress you out, has little or nothing to do with the holiday & is more about giving your money to the retail machine ~ when in reality the best gift I will get this year is just some down time to celebrate life with my nearest and dearest.

I would rather be flat ass broke sitting near my Charlie Brown christmas tree with my Mister drinking a beer laughing at crude dick & fart jokes all night than frantically trying to make sure that our holiday lives up to some imaginary standard set by Martha Stewart or whoever.

Im curious to hear your thoughts.  I can see both sides of the equation...but seriously I cant imagine I am the only one that has reached max for the forcing of Christmas down my throat for over 2 moths so Old Navy can see cheap fleece.  Christmas means more than stupid shit to me. Its about appreciating what you have, helping others who may need it and saying thanks to the people in your life that make it a better place to be.....and Im pretty sure that a drill doesnt express that as well as a hug, a personal gift and just saying the damn words.  Am I wrong?

Day #1 - The Bitch is a Lil Bit Bitchier :-)

So at this point I have officially completed the first 24 hours of being smoke free. Honestly I think I am handling it pretty ok.  I can honestly say that as of yet I have not felt any ZOMG GIVE ME NICOTINE BEFORE I BREAK YOU moments and the hardest parts have been the habit breaks - like getting in the car to go to work, after I ate lunch today and when some of the guys I work with went out to go BS & have a smoke.  This is actually pretty consistent with the other 42 times Ive tried. Ive heard people say that they have these awful nicotine cravings...but I dont know that I ever really did.  Cigarettes are the BEST excuse ever to take 5 in a restaurant ~ you dont smoke you dont get a break. Either way I havent cheated yet, havent really had the urge to and I think I inspired the main smoker I work with to quit with me meaning my office will not have any smokers that I can bumm one off of and that is SWEET!

So the cravings might not be all that bad...but the overly aggressive I am going to tell you off whether you like it or not and you better damn well stand there and take it because if you werent so stupid in the first place I wouldnt be this annoyed so this is all your fault moments....yeah Ive had a couple of them. They are like a more extreme version of PMS. The reasonable person in my head is all "whoa woman, you need to chill out, annoyed & bitching is one thing...scaring the person you are talking to is another" but then the raging bitch in my brain beat up Miss Reasonable, hog tied her and threw her in the back until the I Wanna Smoke Monster has vacated the premise.  Honestly I think Miss Raging Bitch actually is just enjoying being let off her leash a little bit and is taking advantage...and I have been somewhat selective with my victims because some deserve my wrath more than others.  Fortunately I am not really known as being warm & fuzzy with most people, so my being a tad more aggressive will be noted, but not in any extreme way so theres always that.

And its snowing today! This will help bolster some Christmas cheer...just havent been feeling it yet.  We have Christmas dinner at my house every year so I have to do some decorating and such, but I think Im going to keep it somewhat low key this year. The holiday for me is less about driving myself insane trying to make sure its the absolutely most perfectest Christmas ever and my world drips in lights & tinsel...its more about getting to spend time with my family & friends over good food & drinks. I do have to start my baking though soon; or at the very least start to make up the list of what I plan to be baking. last year I made in the month of December 3460 cookies (not a made up number!) and this year we have added a new restaurant with a ginormous staff so that means more baking to do.  I definitely cant afford to buy each of my employees a gift, but I make up huge platter of cookies for them to munch on the days leading up to Christmas as a thanks.

I havent even begun shopping, but I really dont have all that much to buy and will do 99% of it on line. I despise malls and shopping and crowds...i adore the interwebs and free shipping!!

Tonight though it is going to be cookiecity at my moms. My nephew needs 48 cookies for the afterparty for his performance recital on Saturday and since I'm not attending (its another Jebus Play and he hasnt asked for me to be there) he has requested that I make him his most favorite cut out cookies and help decorate them so he can take them with him. I also FINALLY get to go through my Grandmothers Fenton Glass collection that she has been building since she got married in 1942 or so tonight with Mom.  There are a few pieces that Gram insists that I have and a bunch of others my Mom thinks I will want and Im excited.  I have been itching to go through this stuff because I adore some of her pieces and cant wait to check them out.

Im sincerely looking forward to the near future when all of my thoughts arent punctuated by "smoke break"...but i feel like Im doing ok and am not going to slay any dragons before i get there.....

Related: I would give my left arm for some Peanut Butter M&Ms right about now :-)