Ouch! I think I bruised something when I fell off the wagon...

Ugh, but I think it was still mostly my ego. Its somewhat ironic that this post follows the Seven Days one...but I fell off the smoking wagon. I didnt fall far & I didnt jump into the deep end, but I fell none the less.  It started with a shitty day, it ended with me at Get Go buying a pack of smokes. It further ended by getting called out by Mister for cheating. Either way FAIL. And Im not real happy about it...obviously.

Excuses? Oh Im sure I can find about a bazillion.  Long story short The Wizard was being unusually anal about a new party room & it took everything I had not to tell him to just go fuck himself if he thinks we suck this bad go do it yourself. Stack that on top of an already busy week, trying to actually GET the party room set up and dealing with some overall Negative Nancys about EVERYTHING that I needed to accomplish and I got tweaky and strung out ~ two things that I generally am not. Stopped at the store to get some caffeine and with next to no thought what so ever bought a pack of smokes.

Now I only smoked 4 out of that pack, the 4th one being the one that got my ass called out by Mister for the cheat, and the next morning dipped the whole pack in water and threw it away to prevent any urge to go get them and smoke them. Main issue - my resolve is broken. I failed. Apparently that first week for me was pretty easy compared to the 2nd week for whatever reason and after a clean week I broke.

I think its time to admit defeat over this bullshit and find a different way that doesnt rely on me sticking to my guns to knock this habit out. I cant even begin to explain how unhappy with me I am at the moment, to be doing so well and then just fuck it all up. BUT I am not a dwell on what has already happened kind of gal...its a matter now of figuring out where to go from here.

I figure I have 3 options.

1. Drugs - call the doc and figure out what my options are for smoking cessation drugs. One that would make me violently ill if I tried to smoke would be ideal. The bad side is I am not a fan of pill popping, dont particularly care for the idea of pumping myself full of chemicals to kick a nicotine habit and really dont want to invest a couple hundred dollars a month into kicking an already expensive habit.  The good side is I know more than a couple people that have gone this route and it worked for them quite well with minimal side effects.  Long term going this route is STILL better than continuing to smoke.
2. Hypnotism - yeah this is totally not something that I would normally ever even consider, but its been recommended to me multiple times, doesnt involve fooling my body with a bunch of chemicals and from what I can read works in most cases. I still feel like its some parlor trick bullshit, and if it wasnt $300 per session I might have already tried it...but to shell out $300 for some dude with a watch to subliminally tell me to not smoke with NO guarantee that itll work? I dont think so. Now if I could do it and if it DIDNT work I could get my money back that would be different, but thats not the way it works from what I understand.  I honestly wonder if this is one of those things that you have to believe in in order for it to work and I think Im a tad too cynical for any methods that involve blind faith...but my mind is open & im considering it.
3. Hire a violent monkey to follow me around and pop me upside the head when I reach for a cigarette. This one has a couple different plus points 1) I get a fucking monkey! Even if its smacking me upside the head its a monkey and that would be cool. 2) It would be hella entertaining for anyone around me to watch me get the shit kicked out of me by a simian with violent tendencies when I want to smoke. 3) I would HAVE to follow my own rules because there is no reasoning with a pissed off monkey.  Now on the down side there is the whole monkey poo flinging creature thing...but really, whats a poo flinging monkey compared to a pack a day habit?

Well whatever I decide to do Im not giving up completely. I will find a way to kick this, I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that it wont be by sheer force of will and I may need some *gulp* help. I wont allow myself to go back up to even close to a pack a day...so control at this point is a must but that I can deal with, I just suck at the NONE thing. So Im going to keep fighting with myself to keep me from being a full blown smoker of 20 smokes a day (the fact that its sub fucking arctic out side will help with that), talk to my doctor to see what my options are for drugs and seriously consider this hypnotism thing because it wont hurt me to keep an open mind.

Im open to suggestions or even opinions about where I go next. Anyone out there have a magical cure for nicotine addiction and wanna share?

Im still so mad at me it's UNREAL.