The End of the End

Or... What Happens After You Commit Career Suicide

Well I did it. Finally. After well over a year of debating, fighting with myself, making excuses and generally being too afraid to just make a fucking decision already I made the fucking decision already.

I quit.

Tomorrow is actually my last day full time with the place I have gotten a steady paycheck from for over 11 years.

Hang on. I want to say that again. Tomorrow is my last full-time day with my job of 11 years. Just saying it makes me feel freer.

It wasnt an easy decision. Obviously. I cant imagine it is ever easy to decide to walk away from the security of the known and into the vast unknown for me or anyone else, but I have been forcing myself to do this job that I really do not like or want to do anymore for at least the last 18 months. I had foolishly hoped that I would just get over it or that I could just keep doing it while I waited for The Thing. Well, I didnt get over it. So instead I gave notice and am leaving to go make The Thing happen.

So the last 3 weeks have been peppered with "where are you going?" "what are you going to do?" "what restaurant are you going to next?" "did you & bossman have a blow out?". Nope, nothing even remotely that interesting, really. I reached my limit with my entire existence being dictated by the stupidity (mostly not deliberate, for the record) of others, being the go-to sounding and venting (read: bitching) board for 40 plus people and the general chaos that is the day-to-day operations of 5 restaurants and a commissary kitchen. Add all of that on top of working for a very...challenging/frustrating/pigheaded/illogical/would trip over a dollar to pick up a penny...man and thats a metric fuck ton of unhappy.  On the surface I manage all of that well - I think in a lot of cases I make it look easy - but the reality is it saps your will to live a lot of days and when those days far outnumber the ones that you go home with a smile on your face thats a problem. The kind of problem that puts you in a major funk in every aspect of your life, saps any creative energy you ever had and just generally made me into a person that I didnt know or want to know ~ and Im sure those closest to me probably feel/felt about the same.  Its pretty amazing how just 1 fucked up facet of life can knock everything else so far out of balance. 

Where am I going...I dont really know exactly yet. I have agreed to help out Bossman with some transition stuff in a consultants role until the end of January to help my people. Some folks think this is insane and that I should just cut the chord. I hear that, really do, but I cant. And I cant not for Bossman, but for my employees that I am leaving behind. They will need a bit of guidance. Its the least I can do for a staff that has busted their asses for me for so long - I would no more leave them hanging like that then I would jump off a bridge and expect to fly.

I dont really have a terribly specific plan at the moment. I have a general idea & the feeling that I am doing the right thing on every level, and I dont really need more than that, well outside of the support of my other half, which I 150% have. My next Thing will evolve as everything in my career has thus far - as it is intended to.

All things considered this is the closest I have felt to being me in a couple of years. Its going to take me a month or so, if not longer, to get old work out of my system and reprogram my head to make what I want my first priority as opposed to whats best for my work. Its a process that I am hugely looking forward to, truth be told.  I also cant wait to get into my own kitchen again, feel passionately about what I do for the first time in a loooong time and to let my life be dictated by my own stupidity as opposed to that of those around me.

Free. As of tomorrow at 5pm for the first time in over a decade I will be FREE.

And it feels FUCKING INCREDIBLE.

Totally Unrelated: WE GOT A NEW PUPPY! My next post will be pics of lil Buster Badass. Hes too cute for words!!!

Monday Funday & the Perfect Brownie

I was off today. That's weird. I'm generally not ever off on Mondays. I used to be off every Monday, and that was pretty damn awesome...but I digress.  So this Monday started off with a 10am appointment with my attorney in the South Side to discuss a partnership agreement for me & the woman who would like to partner & partially finance my little cafe venture~I'm going to have to give her a nickname.  It was buncha questions and then a buncha answers and background info that ended in me knowing I'm having the first draft of that document in hand within a week. Then it gets signed, then I get a check and then I push this big ass ball down the cliff and hang on for dear life!! Woo Hoo!!

This is it. This is the beginning. This is the part that I quit TALKING about doing something and I actually do it. This is the best part. Ive never been a big on worrying on things. I have thought this out every which way I can and I see no option for anything but success so its just a matter of leaping.  So ive found the proverbial cliff...and off I am going to leap.  Once I have formed my LLC there is no changing of my mind, there is just mission accomplished. I am hoping that with the investment capitol I will have and my business plan I should be able to secure the rest of the money I need with relative quickness...and the rest of the money makes the rest details. I can handle details.

Me & the Mister are also on weird schedules for the next couple weeks. Hes closing one of the stores, Im opening them...short staffed and shift coverage necessary. This will suck balls. On the plus side we got to go to Primanti's in the Strip for lunch (delicious!), got some coffee from Prestogeorge & got some new spices at Penzeys...Vietnamese Cinnamon & Herbes de Provence~ HIGHLY recommend the Vietnamese Cinnamon.  Its spicier, you can smell the difference and the flavor is more hot for lack of a better word.  So it was a great Monday. And those are ridiculously rare. Most Mondays suck.

Im also testing recipes.  Most of them are for baked goods at the moment.  Ive been on a search for my Great White Whale - a good brownie recipe.  I like them a certain texture, in my opinion a good brownie is a very rare thing to find.  They shouldnt be cakey, they should be chewy; they shouldnt be gooey or raw, they should be dense & rich. I will rarely order a brownie from anywhere...they are almost always not good.  I also happen to think a good brownie should have walnuts...this is necessary! Mister will totally disagree - he is anti-nut in almost every baked good because, well...hes wrong. So ive tested at least 4 recipes, probably closer to 6. All of them had their redeeming qualities, all of them had their meh qualities...but none have been perfect. So I've studied the brownie. I know what I like to get the almost bitter richness of the chocolate, I know that butter is important to get the texture & deepness of flavor, I know what I do to the eggs makes a huge difference in the texture...its been a learning experience. My test batch last night was ooooh soooo close....but not perfect. And it was loaded with chocolate chips & walnuts, so I have to make a recipe without as well...more brownies!!!!

I think I know what needs to happen though to fix it. Im almost certain that with a couple tweaks I can get rid of the crumbly texture and make it chewier & denser.  So Ill try again...as soon as I find some poor souls to pawn these off on.  I dont think RK & the Mister are going to want to eat this entire pan or brownies...and Im going to need to use them as testers for the hopefully perfect batch that I make next.

Once the brownies are done Im going to have to test a couple other recipes...croissants, cinnamon raisin rolls,  muffins.....pierogies.

Anyone interested in signing up for care packages let me know ;-)