So at this point I have officially completed the first 24 hours of being smoke free. Honestly I think I am handling it pretty ok. I can honestly say that as of yet I have not felt any ZOMG GIVE ME NICOTINE BEFORE I BREAK YOU moments and the hardest parts have been the habit breaks - like getting in the car to go to work, after I ate lunch today and when some of the guys I work with went out to go BS & have a smoke. This is actually pretty consistent with the other 42 times Ive tried. Ive heard people say that they have these awful nicotine cravings...but I dont know that I ever really did. Cigarettes are the BEST excuse ever to take 5 in a restaurant ~ you dont smoke you dont get a break. Either way I havent cheated yet, havent really had the urge to and I think I inspired the main smoker I work with to quit with me meaning my office will not have any smokers that I can bumm one off of and that is SWEET!
So the cravings might not be all that bad...but the overly aggressive I am going to tell you off whether you like it or not and you better damn well stand there and take it because if you werent so stupid in the first place I wouldnt be this annoyed so this is all your fault moments....yeah Ive had a couple of them. They are like a more extreme version of PMS. The reasonable person in my head is all "whoa woman, you need to chill out, annoyed & bitching is one thing...scaring the person you are talking to is another" but then the raging bitch in my brain beat up Miss Reasonable, hog tied her and threw her in the back until the I Wanna Smoke Monster has vacated the premise. Honestly I think Miss Raging Bitch actually is just enjoying being let off her leash a little bit and is taking advantage...and I have been somewhat selective with my victims because some deserve my wrath more than others. Fortunately I am not really known as being warm & fuzzy with most people, so my being a tad more aggressive will be noted, but not in any extreme way so theres always that.
And its snowing today! This will help bolster some Christmas cheer...just havent been feeling it yet. We have Christmas dinner at my house every year so I have to do some decorating and such, but I think Im going to keep it somewhat low key this year. The holiday for me is less about driving myself insane trying to make sure its the absolutely most perfectest Christmas ever and my world drips in lights & tinsel...its more about getting to spend time with my family & friends over good food & drinks. I do have to start my baking though soon; or at the very least start to make up the list of what I plan to be baking. last year I made in the month of December 3460 cookies (not a made up number!) and this year we have added a new restaurant with a ginormous staff so that means more baking to do. I definitely cant afford to buy each of my employees a gift, but I make up huge platter of cookies for them to munch on the days leading up to Christmas as a thanks.
I havent even begun shopping, but I really dont have all that much to buy and will do 99% of it on line. I despise malls and shopping and crowds...i adore the interwebs and free shipping!!
Tonight though it is going to be cookiecity at my moms. My nephew needs 48 cookies for the afterparty for his performance recital on Saturday and since I'm not attending (its another Jebus Play and he hasnt asked for me to be there) he has requested that I make him his most favorite cut out cookies and help decorate them so he can take them with him. I also FINALLY get to go through my Grandmothers Fenton Glass collection that she has been building since she got married in 1942 or so tonight with Mom. There are a few pieces that Gram insists that I have and a bunch of others my Mom thinks I will want and Im excited. I have been itching to go through this stuff because I adore some of her pieces and cant wait to check them out.
Im sincerely looking forward to the near future when all of my thoughts arent punctuated by "smoke break"...but i feel like Im doing ok and am not going to slay any dragons before i get there.....
Related: I would give my left arm for some Peanut Butter M&Ms right about now :-)
Showing posts with label cookies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cookies. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Cinnamon Roll Cookies!!!
I'm going to double post today, but first the cookies. The next story kinda shook me up and needs its own posting.
I made them over a week ago & thought they were so yummy I should share...well that and the recipe was requested by a couple folks so here it is.
I will preface with this ~ it would be totally ok to use a premade sugar cookie tube thing for this recipe. Personally I wouldn't, but if you're not a baker, dont have the tools/time or just want to make them fast it would be ok. Personally, I wouldn't. Those tube-o-cookie things have a very odd flavor that I dont particularly like & have never been able to identify...well that and read the ingredient list. I dont put any of those super long nonsense words in my cookies.
For the record I use a KitchenAid Pro stand mixer (yeah, it really is as badass as it sounds like it is, basically has a honda motor in it) with a paddle for all cookies and for this recipe following the right mixing procedure is important because you have to form & slice these...
The Recipe.
2 sticks Salted Butter - softened
3/4 cup Granulated Sugar
1/2 cup Light Brown Sugar
2 whole Eggs
2 Egg Yolks
1 Tbsp Vanilla Extract
1 Tbsp Butter Extract (optional)
2 Tbsp Heavy Cream (can sub sour cream or milk)
2 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1 tsp Baking Soda
1/4 tsp salt
The *cinnamon - I use a Vietnamese cinnamon, so its rather pungent and spicy. Would highly recommend & you can find it at Penseys or online. It really is much different than the crap on grocery store shelves and takes a good cookie and makes it aromatic & dreamy. Like an oatmeal cookie is next level with this cinnamon.
I also make my own vanilla extract so its more pungent than store bought as well....
I am a baking dork.
But I dont care. My shit's delicious!!
Hope you make them! They really sound more complicated than they are. Start to finish I probably spent less than an hour putting them together, the hard part was patiently waiting for dough to chill so I could bake them....but I always suck at patience.
Let me know how they come out!
PS - I bet these would be good with orange zest in the dough & an orange glaze too...like those Pillsbury orange cinnamon roll thingies my mom used to make...
I made them over a week ago & thought they were so yummy I should share...well that and the recipe was requested by a couple folks so here it is.
I will preface with this ~ it would be totally ok to use a premade sugar cookie tube thing for this recipe. Personally I wouldn't, but if you're not a baker, dont have the tools/time or just want to make them fast it would be ok. Personally, I wouldn't. Those tube-o-cookie things have a very odd flavor that I dont particularly like & have never been able to identify...well that and read the ingredient list. I dont put any of those super long nonsense words in my cookies.
For the record I use a KitchenAid Pro stand mixer (yeah, it really is as badass as it sounds like it is, basically has a honda motor in it) with a paddle for all cookies and for this recipe following the right mixing procedure is important because you have to form & slice these...
The Recipe.
2 sticks Salted Butter - softened
3/4 cup Granulated Sugar
1/2 cup Light Brown Sugar
2 whole Eggs
2 Egg Yolks
1 Tbsp Vanilla Extract
1 Tbsp Butter Extract (optional)
2 Tbsp Heavy Cream (can sub sour cream or milk)
2 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1 tsp Baking Soda
1/4 tsp salt
- Cream the butter until light & fluffy. Add both sugars and continue to cream until light again. Add the eggs & yolks one at a time beating well between additions. Add the extract(s) & cream and mix in to combine.
- Place all the dry ingredients in a bowl and mix with a wire whisk to incorporate. Add in small increments to the butter mixture and mix until well combined. Have to make sure you get it all mixed in thoroughly or you'll get weird blops in your dough.
- Eat some of the dough...it really is pretty damn delicious.
- Line a half sheet tray with plastic wrap so it over hangs on the left & right sides (yeah-not parchment. The wrap is easier to deal with later, I learned this the hard way. Benefit from my frustration) and dump the dough on top. Use your hands or a rolling pin to evenly spread the dough out to cover the pan evenly. I start w the hands and finish it off with the pin to even it all out. Side Note: flouring your hands a little makes the dough not stick to everything.
- Eat some more dough...I heart cookie dough.
- Place the tray in the fridge until the dough has chilled enough to be workable by hand. Mix up a bowl of roughly 1 cup brown sugar & 4 Tbsp cinnamon* (you can add other spices here too, like ground ginger & some allspice or nutmeg - go nuts!). Pull the dough out of the fridge & remove from the pan using the plastic wrap to help you.
- Cover the top with the brown sugar mix. Should be a light, even coat so dont dump it all on, it may be too much. cut the dough sheet in half vertically, making more of less 2 almost squares.
- Use the plastic wrap to roll the dough up cinnamon roll style. Dont stress about perfect seals or anything, the dough can be pinched & forced into submission- its a cookie. When its a lovely tube wrap it tight in saran wrap and refrigerate until it is firmly set.
- Preheat oven to 375, slice the tubes into 1/4" slices and lay on parchment lined trays to bake. My oven took 11 minutes so thats a good place to start. Cool on the tray for 5 minutes then transfer to a cooling rack
- For a glaze I mixed up 2 cups powdered sugar with 3 Tbsp of Milk & 1 Tbsp of vanilla. I also tossed a chunk of really soft butter in there because I like it that way. When the cookies are TOTALLY cooled use a spoon to drizzle the glaze over top, let it set for a couple minutes then devour.
The *cinnamon - I use a Vietnamese cinnamon, so its rather pungent and spicy. Would highly recommend & you can find it at Penseys or online. It really is much different than the crap on grocery store shelves and takes a good cookie and makes it aromatic & dreamy. Like an oatmeal cookie is next level with this cinnamon.
I also make my own vanilla extract so its more pungent than store bought as well....
I am a baking dork.
But I dont care. My shit's delicious!!
Hope you make them! They really sound more complicated than they are. Start to finish I probably spent less than an hour putting them together, the hard part was patiently waiting for dough to chill so I could bake them....but I always suck at patience.
Let me know how they come out!
PS - I bet these would be good with orange zest in the dough & an orange glaze too...like those Pillsbury orange cinnamon roll thingies my mom used to make...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Foodie BS on the Brain!!!
I stick my foot in my mouth alot. I cant really help it, although with age & maturity I have gotten slightly better. See my problem is I suck at and generally dont believe in sugar-coating things. Yes, there are times and places that warrant the use of my self editing program, but those occasions usually involve children or old people and thats about it. But overall, as anyone who has had the pleasure of dealing with me for any amount of time can vouch, I pretty much just call them like I see them and if you dont like it you can bite me. Ive told people for a long time - be careful what you ask, because I will answer, and you may not like what I have to say. On the plus side rarely am I told that people dont know where I stand or what I expect in any situation or the people involved in it and I consider that a plus. So my Twitter feed is littered with my personal brand of snark...and last night I was snarking about Chopped.
And as I am sure I have mentioned once or twice I am a chef....and my television viewing habits reflect as much. My recent DVR faves are Top Chef, Top Chef Masters, Chopped, Hells Kitchen & Master Chef. I LOVE seeing real cooks cooking for real, and all of those shows (some I will admit go a bit over the top with the editing for drama but thats not why I watch) are people who cook to pay the bills. I appreciate that. I cant stand watching the cooking shows, those people arent chefs, they may have been at some point, but they are now TV personalities that happen to cook. Mario Batali, Rachel Ray, Bobby Flay (who might I add NEVER wins on that goddamn Throwdown show and that is hysterical to me!), and the Satan of the Culinary World Emeril Lagasse - that man is just a tool bag - I do not watch any of their crap shows. I can see why they would be helpful to an average home cook, but not for me. But the reality show contest format ones - cant get enough.
So last night Mister was at work and I was catching up on some of my DVRs and was watching Chopped. Through the course of watching I had a couple of tweets about it...
WTF is with the arugula? I swear to god every damn episode I have watched each of the 4 competitors has a dish that includes "a nice arugula salad". Arugula is good, dont get me wrong, but it is not the be-all end-all of greens and has become so trite it annoys me to see it on a menu, any menu really.
I tweeted "Also Chopped related: Scott Conant can be such a pretentious prick. I'd love to see him try to do this w no technical flaws. Douche." So hes a good chef based out of New York that specializes in REAL Italian food...not Yinzer Italian. Scott is a successful restaurateur and accomplished chef, much respect from me on both counts. This doesnt change the fact that he tends to be a pretentious prick. He seems to think that 1) if seafood and cheese appear on the same plate you have just committed a crime against humanity and should be shot on sight, 2) that if you improperly cook pasta it is a personal attack against him and all things he holds near and dear to his heart and 3) that he is above reproach in taste, execution and skill - which I do not believe he is.
Geoffrey Zakarian is the only other judge who enrages me like Scott Conant does. I can at least respect Scott - Geoffrey on the other hand doesnt really appear to know what he is talking about 90% of the time and gets so condescending I dont know that I would be able to resist the urge to punch him in his little face if he Chopped me. Between the 2 of them though, when they are on the panel together, there tends to be ridiculous hyper-criticism & snark about finite details of the dishes and an overall attitude of they are better than you. Really? I challenge either of them to put there money where their mouths are and do Mystery Basket meals under such time constraints in front of a camera (most of the competitors for the first time EVER, mind you) without making ANY mistakes. I would bet they would crumble like saltines and weep like children. Takes balls to do what those competitors do and I dont know that either of them, regardless of their culinary pedigrees, could do any better. I think Tom Coliccho from Top Chef needs to have a lesson with the Chopped judges about constructive & blunt criticism. Tom is not nice, hes is very straight forward & will totally tell them if their food was crap or sub-par without flinching and he manages to do so without coming off as condescending, rude or arrogant - take notes Scott & Geoffrey! You dont have to be an asshole to make your point!
So this morning I open my Twitter and Scott apparently searches for himself because he re-tweeted by pretentious prick comment from last night. This made me laugh my ass off...at least he appears to have a sense of humor about himself and his dickish behavior. Hell I didnt even know he was on Twitter...so I followed him & asked him about the arugula thing...it really bugs me. Well that and they will bust on people for lack of creativity and never say a damn word about the cop out arugula salad ever. We shall see if he answers me...I kind of hope he does & I also hope that he really isnt as big of a dick as he comes across on that show.
Even if the judges annoy me I still will watch. I like to play along at home with the chefs competing and see what I would do with the Mystery Basket ingredients. But I do think that before any of the judges should be allowed to judge they should have to compete and see what kind of magic they can pull out of a basket...seems only fair that if you are going to sit at your chopping block and pass hard judgment on those competing that you yourself should have to be judged.
Completely unrelated - I think I have perfected the chocolate chip cookie recipe I have been tinkering with. I made the most perfect, soft, chewy, buttery cookies the other night. A year well spent tweaking that out until it was what I wanted the end product to be. I started with 5 recipes and then isolated what I liked and what I didnt from each and what caused those characteristics until I came up with my own. If you dig that style of choc chip cookie let me know and I may post the recipe. It couldnt be easier to make and seriously - so much better than any cookie you will buy!
Also mostly unrelated - Ive been making my own vanilla extract. I bake a lot and go through gallons a year. This gets pricey. Pure Vanilla Extract can run up to $50 a quart depending on quality. Personally I feel that the better extracts are worth the money - if its worth making its worth making as delicious as you can. So Mister did some research for me (seriously - hes better than the Googles, I kid you not) and we discovered extracts are wicked easy to make and rather inexpensive compared to what I buy. I accepted delivery on 1/2# of Madagascar Vanilla beans earlier this week and have set another bottle of vodka to turn into delicious vanilla extract. I put 12 split beans & 1 Tbsp of sugar into a middle of the road vodka (Smirnoff for example) and let it sit for a month. I top off with more vodka & refresh the beans as I need to and I have a perpetually refreshing vanilla in my liquor cupboard all the time. It genuinely makes a difference in the end product. The vanilla flavoring is more true, the aroma is divine and its so much better that I hope to never purchase vanilla again. Its also so easy anyone who bakes a lot should try it. I think I am going to attempt lemon & orange next...why not? I want to try other flavors too...any suggestions or requests?
Up next in Mindy's Kitchen Adventures - Mindy Learns to Can Shit - because I have enough tomatoes to feed an army and would like to save them. I attempted to can last year, but failed miserably due to technical errors. This year tomatoes, applesauce, apple butter and maybe peaches just because I can. No technical errors allowed...because this time Im going to read all of the instructions twice before I start...and just to be extra sure have Mister read them over too so I can blame him if it doesnt work :-)
And as I am sure I have mentioned once or twice I am a chef....and my television viewing habits reflect as much. My recent DVR faves are Top Chef, Top Chef Masters, Chopped, Hells Kitchen & Master Chef. I LOVE seeing real cooks cooking for real, and all of those shows (some I will admit go a bit over the top with the editing for drama but thats not why I watch) are people who cook to pay the bills. I appreciate that. I cant stand watching the cooking shows, those people arent chefs, they may have been at some point, but they are now TV personalities that happen to cook. Mario Batali, Rachel Ray, Bobby Flay (who might I add NEVER wins on that goddamn Throwdown show and that is hysterical to me!), and the Satan of the Culinary World Emeril Lagasse - that man is just a tool bag - I do not watch any of their crap shows. I can see why they would be helpful to an average home cook, but not for me. But the reality show contest format ones - cant get enough.
So last night Mister was at work and I was catching up on some of my DVRs and was watching Chopped. Through the course of watching I had a couple of tweets about it...
WTF is with the arugula? I swear to god every damn episode I have watched each of the 4 competitors has a dish that includes "a nice arugula salad". Arugula is good, dont get me wrong, but it is not the be-all end-all of greens and has become so trite it annoys me to see it on a menu, any menu really.
I tweeted "Also Chopped related: Scott Conant can be such a pretentious prick. I'd love to see him try to do this w no technical flaws. Douche." So hes a good chef based out of New York that specializes in REAL Italian food...not Yinzer Italian. Scott is a successful restaurateur and accomplished chef, much respect from me on both counts. This doesnt change the fact that he tends to be a pretentious prick. He seems to think that 1) if seafood and cheese appear on the same plate you have just committed a crime against humanity and should be shot on sight, 2) that if you improperly cook pasta it is a personal attack against him and all things he holds near and dear to his heart and 3) that he is above reproach in taste, execution and skill - which I do not believe he is.
Geoffrey Zakarian is the only other judge who enrages me like Scott Conant does. I can at least respect Scott - Geoffrey on the other hand doesnt really appear to know what he is talking about 90% of the time and gets so condescending I dont know that I would be able to resist the urge to punch him in his little face if he Chopped me. Between the 2 of them though, when they are on the panel together, there tends to be ridiculous hyper-criticism & snark about finite details of the dishes and an overall attitude of they are better than you. Really? I challenge either of them to put there money where their mouths are and do Mystery Basket meals under such time constraints in front of a camera (most of the competitors for the first time EVER, mind you) without making ANY mistakes. I would bet they would crumble like saltines and weep like children. Takes balls to do what those competitors do and I dont know that either of them, regardless of their culinary pedigrees, could do any better. I think Tom Coliccho from Top Chef needs to have a lesson with the Chopped judges about constructive & blunt criticism. Tom is not nice, hes is very straight forward & will totally tell them if their food was crap or sub-par without flinching and he manages to do so without coming off as condescending, rude or arrogant - take notes Scott & Geoffrey! You dont have to be an asshole to make your point!
So this morning I open my Twitter and Scott apparently searches for himself because he re-tweeted by pretentious prick comment from last night. This made me laugh my ass off...at least he appears to have a sense of humor about himself and his dickish behavior. Hell I didnt even know he was on Twitter...so I followed him & asked him about the arugula thing...it really bugs me. Well that and they will bust on people for lack of creativity and never say a damn word about the cop out arugula salad ever. We shall see if he answers me...I kind of hope he does & I also hope that he really isnt as big of a dick as he comes across on that show.
Even if the judges annoy me I still will watch. I like to play along at home with the chefs competing and see what I would do with the Mystery Basket ingredients. But I do think that before any of the judges should be allowed to judge they should have to compete and see what kind of magic they can pull out of a basket...seems only fair that if you are going to sit at your chopping block and pass hard judgment on those competing that you yourself should have to be judged.
Completely unrelated - I think I have perfected the chocolate chip cookie recipe I have been tinkering with. I made the most perfect, soft, chewy, buttery cookies the other night. A year well spent tweaking that out until it was what I wanted the end product to be. I started with 5 recipes and then isolated what I liked and what I didnt from each and what caused those characteristics until I came up with my own. If you dig that style of choc chip cookie let me know and I may post the recipe. It couldnt be easier to make and seriously - so much better than any cookie you will buy!
Also mostly unrelated - Ive been making my own vanilla extract. I bake a lot and go through gallons a year. This gets pricey. Pure Vanilla Extract can run up to $50 a quart depending on quality. Personally I feel that the better extracts are worth the money - if its worth making its worth making as delicious as you can. So Mister did some research for me (seriously - hes better than the Googles, I kid you not) and we discovered extracts are wicked easy to make and rather inexpensive compared to what I buy. I accepted delivery on 1/2# of Madagascar Vanilla beans earlier this week and have set another bottle of vodka to turn into delicious vanilla extract. I put 12 split beans & 1 Tbsp of sugar into a middle of the road vodka (Smirnoff for example) and let it sit for a month. I top off with more vodka & refresh the beans as I need to and I have a perpetually refreshing vanilla in my liquor cupboard all the time. It genuinely makes a difference in the end product. The vanilla flavoring is more true, the aroma is divine and its so much better that I hope to never purchase vanilla again. Its also so easy anyone who bakes a lot should try it. I think I am going to attempt lemon & orange next...why not? I want to try other flavors too...any suggestions or requests?
Up next in Mindy's Kitchen Adventures - Mindy Learns to Can Shit - because I have enough tomatoes to feed an army and would like to save them. I attempted to can last year, but failed miserably due to technical errors. This year tomatoes, applesauce, apple butter and maybe peaches just because I can. No technical errors allowed...because this time Im going to read all of the instructions twice before I start...and just to be extra sure have Mister read them over too so I can blame him if it doesnt work :-)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
It was a Jebus play!!!
Well I dont generally get up on my soap box about religion or politics only because its fruitless. People are going to believe whatever it is they choose to believe ad quite frankly that is none of my business. I am friends with and associate with a wide variety of different people, from different backgrounds and with different belief and faith ideals and I respect each and every one of them...I can't say that I agree with them in every situation, but I respect the fact they believe what they believe and that helps them get through the day. In all reality that's all that really matters when it comes down to it.
Personally faith doesn't mean much to me. I was raised Catholic. I went to church every week, I read for mass, I helped out at the nunnery (no idea what its really called, that what Ive always called it anywho), was christened, communioned, confirmed and all that jazz...I am VERY familiar with Catholic doctrine. I will also preface with this - I know when I launch off about this that it isnt EVERY single solitary Christian & Catholic that I am referencing, its just the ones that make the most noise and cause the most bullshit, so no, I am not making broad generalizations about all churchgoers...so chill out. And also remember - I respect your right to believe in God, you really should respect my right to think hes an amazingly powerful work of fiction...I dont think thats too much to ask for...and if it is, stop reading now, you're just going get all pissed off here soon.
So I get a call at 8:30am Saturday from my 9 year old nephew telling me he has a play Saturday night and he wants me & Mister to be there to see it. Ok now realistically one of the last places on Earth I want to be on a Saturday night is sitting in a Nazarene church the South Hills, but I dont come around real often, he asked me himself and this will not kill me so I tell him we will be there. Just showing up is going to make this kids month and hes had a rough time of late with my sister & her husband separating...so if all I have to do is carve a couple hours out of my weekend to make this kid so happy he will explode then so be it, I will adventure to the South Hills to watch this play. My sister never really has said much about this acting group he's a part of outside of the fact that nephew absolutely loves it and it has done amazing things for his self esteem & confidence to be a part of it - so win all over the place for the kid. He's shy and quite sensitive so getting him out of his shell is hard and being a part of this group has really helped him in alot of ways. I tell Mister we are going, he says he will in his best "I am only doing this because you want me to and I will sit and behave myself for the duration but realize you are testing the limits of my patience and if you even THINK about making me spend the rest of our night with the kids I will be a total asshole" tone. Message received loud and clear...we've done this once or twice before ;-)
So we go. And for the record in the 2 hours before all hell had broken loose at 2 of the 4 restaurants by way of power outage followed by gylcol pump explosion at one and a sewer backing up and causing mayhem and closed bathrooms at another...you know - the Murphy's Law bullshit that occurs EVERY time the Wizard goes out of town for a couple days, that had me on the phone and texting about 4 different people as I finished getting ready and we drove there. It was ridiculous to be honest, and if I hadn't promised that kid that I would be there and I didn't know that he would be so upset if I didnt show up I would have gone back into work. But I did promise, and he would be hurt, so i walked in late due to pacing on the phone in the lot, but I got there.
We sit down and I listen to the lyrics...it's a jesus play. And not like a little bit of jesus thrown in for good measure, but full on jesus play, like with scripture quotes and shit. I was kind of stunned. My sister isnt particularly religious, neither is her hubby and I just wasnt expecting it. Yes yes yes it took place at a church...but that didnt mean it was going to be all churchy - they do have multipurpose rooms and shit in churches. I texted my sister since we werent sitting with them "you coulda warned me this was a jebus play", she responds "I wasnt sure youd come..." and I kind of chuckled and thought yeah I would have come, but I definitely would have left Mister at home. I have some pretty harsh opinions on organized religion but he has a pure hatred of it...and to his credit he sat and tolerated all of it, remained pleasant and did what he had to do to support the kid. He was rewarded with Danny's hoagies & pizza on the way home. LOL
So I listen to this for the better part of an hour, I watch these kids who all seem genuinely into what they are doing, I hear the message they are trying to convey...and I grew more and more annoyed as I sat there. So to sum up the play - a boy has to join a new baseball team of ultra goody goody teammates that all work in perfect harmony and hes this loose cannon with an attitude problem. They meet a gigantic grasshopper & "praying" mantis that introduce them to a giant talking lily and tweaking out huge bird that who in turn introduce them to 3 historic biblical characters - David from David & Goliath and 2 other stories that I am far less familiar with. Either way the moral of this hour was that if you just put your faith in god and except jesus into your home and heart that you will always be loved, accepted and will never fail. That no matter what as long as you have this blind faith in jesus you will never be lead astray and you will always have whatever it is you need or desire. That jesus and your faith is all you need to succeed in life.
This offended me. This offended me alot. Pardon my french here but what a crock of shit. Especially coming from the fucking church! Maybe if they were even close to telling the truth - you know the part where all of this applies as long as your aren't different than their ideal - I might have felt less offended. They were lying. Out and out blatantly lying. They stood up on that goddamn alter and proceeded to have a group of about 50 7-12 year olds spout that as long as you believe is jesus you will get everything you want. And I talked to my nephews about it after, both the 8 & 9 year old, and they believed it. Granted we didn't get all into a deep conversation about it, they are kids, but they still bought the basic premise. And its a freaking lie. Faith may help, faith may provide strength in times of weakness, faith can give you a place to turn if you want or need it, but faith will never solely give you success. For some people its an integral puzzle piece that allows them to accomplish things...and good for them, but its a PIECE of a whole thing that makes the success. Its not like you can pray for money and get it, or pray for groceries and they appear, or pray to have a better job and you'll be magically made smarter and more employable. Faith can help you gather the tools needed to be successful, but its not going to just make anything magically appear. They almost made god sound like Santa Claus - if you just believe in his existence you will be magically given a life worth living just like a big pile of presents under the tree at Christmas. Faith in a jolly man dressed in red did not make that pile appear - but our hard working parents did.
And I think my main issue with the whole thing wasn't the message...I know they are kids and maybe that level of realism isnt really appropriate - I just happen to think the average kid is much smarter than we give them credit for and bullshit like that can be damaging. But when it was all over the Director gets up and thanks everyone blah blah blah then launches into this diatribe about money money money and how all this costs money and they only ask the parents to contribute very little so its an affordable program but they were going to send around the ushers with the collection plate and ask everyone to donate what they could afford to help the children ram more overly conservative tea-party-esque messages down our throat to a snappy beat. This grated on me. Just charge for tickets then, seriously, dont stand up there and in your best condescending tone try to make me feel guilty. No one sitting in those pews was a fucking idiot. We know shit costs money, tell us what you want and we will pay it, no need for all the mellow dramatics. So while they round up the collection plates she keeps talking about how this program helps kids get to know god and how this faith will make them powerful and how good it is to be accepted with the church it is support forever. Then a soloist stands up and sings a song about how even if youre not perfect you are loved by god as individuals with flaws and imperfections as part of the deal. And I got even more annoyed. That may be the crap you are spewing at plays, but its bullshit. If that was what any of the larger organized religions believed there would be so much less judgment and alot more acceptance of individuals and that isnt what happens.
I hadn't been to church in awhile. I highly doubt Ill be going back any time soon. The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. Youre telling these kids it ok to be an imperfect individual, its ok to have flaws, just accept jesus and have faith and no matter what everything will be ok. And yet every day you hear about people hurting, killing, abusing other people over different beliefs about religion, politics, sexuality all stemming from their faith and the rules of their faith. If the god they talk about in plays like that was REALLY the god they believed in it might not be such a hypocritical load of bullshit...but all evidence says it IS a load of hypocritical bullshit that is enforced by religious nutballs the world over every day. Thats sad to me. It would be better if that was what it really was all about, love and acceptance...but it isnt, and thats going to be a harsh dose of reality if this is the smoke being blown up their asses through their formative years. I know it was to a very small degree for me. Nothing notable ever really happened that made me turn from any faith, it was just the realization that there was no way in hell there was some great deity sitting above the clouds who judged my existence based on how much of the "cover charge" I paid every week at church. I decided many many moons ago that church, for alot of people, is just a way to make them feel better about being assholes all week long. If your faith is genuine, I applaud you and hope it does for you whatever it is you need it to...but overall I think those of genuine belief are far outnumbered by those that are there for far more self serving reasons. Going to church every Sunday does not make you a good person, living a good life, doing what you can to make the most of what you are given, working hard and abiding the golden rule...those things make you a good person. And I dont need to give a church $20 a week to do any of those things, I just have to be aware of how I effect those around me...that's free.
I will go to another play if I am invited. I will cheer that kid on until I'm hoarse because he deserves it. I wont care that any of it is religiously themed, thats not why he does it. But it will bother me....I just wont feel the need to post about it again.
On a non-religious rant note I am going to bake up some snickerdoodles today. Its shit cold out, so if the weather is gonna be all sucky I will make my house smell delicious!!!
Personally faith doesn't mean much to me. I was raised Catholic. I went to church every week, I read for mass, I helped out at the nunnery (no idea what its really called, that what Ive always called it anywho), was christened, communioned, confirmed and all that jazz...I am VERY familiar with Catholic doctrine. I will also preface with this - I know when I launch off about this that it isnt EVERY single solitary Christian & Catholic that I am referencing, its just the ones that make the most noise and cause the most bullshit, so no, I am not making broad generalizations about all churchgoers...so chill out. And also remember - I respect your right to believe in God, you really should respect my right to think hes an amazingly powerful work of fiction...I dont think thats too much to ask for...and if it is, stop reading now, you're just going get all pissed off here soon.
So I get a call at 8:30am Saturday from my 9 year old nephew telling me he has a play Saturday night and he wants me & Mister to be there to see it. Ok now realistically one of the last places on Earth I want to be on a Saturday night is sitting in a Nazarene church the South Hills, but I dont come around real often, he asked me himself and this will not kill me so I tell him we will be there. Just showing up is going to make this kids month and hes had a rough time of late with my sister & her husband separating...so if all I have to do is carve a couple hours out of my weekend to make this kid so happy he will explode then so be it, I will adventure to the South Hills to watch this play. My sister never really has said much about this acting group he's a part of outside of the fact that nephew absolutely loves it and it has done amazing things for his self esteem & confidence to be a part of it - so win all over the place for the kid. He's shy and quite sensitive so getting him out of his shell is hard and being a part of this group has really helped him in alot of ways. I tell Mister we are going, he says he will in his best "I am only doing this because you want me to and I will sit and behave myself for the duration but realize you are testing the limits of my patience and if you even THINK about making me spend the rest of our night with the kids I will be a total asshole" tone. Message received loud and clear...we've done this once or twice before ;-)
So we go. And for the record in the 2 hours before all hell had broken loose at 2 of the 4 restaurants by way of power outage followed by gylcol pump explosion at one and a sewer backing up and causing mayhem and closed bathrooms at another...you know - the Murphy's Law bullshit that occurs EVERY time the Wizard goes out of town for a couple days, that had me on the phone and texting about 4 different people as I finished getting ready and we drove there. It was ridiculous to be honest, and if I hadn't promised that kid that I would be there and I didn't know that he would be so upset if I didnt show up I would have gone back into work. But I did promise, and he would be hurt, so i walked in late due to pacing on the phone in the lot, but I got there.
We sit down and I listen to the lyrics...it's a jesus play. And not like a little bit of jesus thrown in for good measure, but full on jesus play, like with scripture quotes and shit. I was kind of stunned. My sister isnt particularly religious, neither is her hubby and I just wasnt expecting it. Yes yes yes it took place at a church...but that didnt mean it was going to be all churchy - they do have multipurpose rooms and shit in churches. I texted my sister since we werent sitting with them "you coulda warned me this was a jebus play", she responds "I wasnt sure youd come..." and I kind of chuckled and thought yeah I would have come, but I definitely would have left Mister at home. I have some pretty harsh opinions on organized religion but he has a pure hatred of it...and to his credit he sat and tolerated all of it, remained pleasant and did what he had to do to support the kid. He was rewarded with Danny's hoagies & pizza on the way home. LOL
So I listen to this for the better part of an hour, I watch these kids who all seem genuinely into what they are doing, I hear the message they are trying to convey...and I grew more and more annoyed as I sat there. So to sum up the play - a boy has to join a new baseball team of ultra goody goody teammates that all work in perfect harmony and hes this loose cannon with an attitude problem. They meet a gigantic grasshopper & "praying" mantis that introduce them to a giant talking lily and tweaking out huge bird that who in turn introduce them to 3 historic biblical characters - David from David & Goliath and 2 other stories that I am far less familiar with. Either way the moral of this hour was that if you just put your faith in god and except jesus into your home and heart that you will always be loved, accepted and will never fail. That no matter what as long as you have this blind faith in jesus you will never be lead astray and you will always have whatever it is you need or desire. That jesus and your faith is all you need to succeed in life.
This offended me. This offended me alot. Pardon my french here but what a crock of shit. Especially coming from the fucking church! Maybe if they were even close to telling the truth - you know the part where all of this applies as long as your aren't different than their ideal - I might have felt less offended. They were lying. Out and out blatantly lying. They stood up on that goddamn alter and proceeded to have a group of about 50 7-12 year olds spout that as long as you believe is jesus you will get everything you want. And I talked to my nephews about it after, both the 8 & 9 year old, and they believed it. Granted we didn't get all into a deep conversation about it, they are kids, but they still bought the basic premise. And its a freaking lie. Faith may help, faith may provide strength in times of weakness, faith can give you a place to turn if you want or need it, but faith will never solely give you success. For some people its an integral puzzle piece that allows them to accomplish things...and good for them, but its a PIECE of a whole thing that makes the success. Its not like you can pray for money and get it, or pray for groceries and they appear, or pray to have a better job and you'll be magically made smarter and more employable. Faith can help you gather the tools needed to be successful, but its not going to just make anything magically appear. They almost made god sound like Santa Claus - if you just believe in his existence you will be magically given a life worth living just like a big pile of presents under the tree at Christmas. Faith in a jolly man dressed in red did not make that pile appear - but our hard working parents did.
And I think my main issue with the whole thing wasn't the message...I know they are kids and maybe that level of realism isnt really appropriate - I just happen to think the average kid is much smarter than we give them credit for and bullshit like that can be damaging. But when it was all over the Director gets up and thanks everyone blah blah blah then launches into this diatribe about money money money and how all this costs money and they only ask the parents to contribute very little so its an affordable program but they were going to send around the ushers with the collection plate and ask everyone to donate what they could afford to help the children ram more overly conservative tea-party-esque messages down our throat to a snappy beat. This grated on me. Just charge for tickets then, seriously, dont stand up there and in your best condescending tone try to make me feel guilty. No one sitting in those pews was a fucking idiot. We know shit costs money, tell us what you want and we will pay it, no need for all the mellow dramatics. So while they round up the collection plates she keeps talking about how this program helps kids get to know god and how this faith will make them powerful and how good it is to be accepted with the church it is support forever. Then a soloist stands up and sings a song about how even if youre not perfect you are loved by god as individuals with flaws and imperfections as part of the deal. And I got even more annoyed. That may be the crap you are spewing at plays, but its bullshit. If that was what any of the larger organized religions believed there would be so much less judgment and alot more acceptance of individuals and that isnt what happens.
I hadn't been to church in awhile. I highly doubt Ill be going back any time soon. The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. Youre telling these kids it ok to be an imperfect individual, its ok to have flaws, just accept jesus and have faith and no matter what everything will be ok. And yet every day you hear about people hurting, killing, abusing other people over different beliefs about religion, politics, sexuality all stemming from their faith and the rules of their faith. If the god they talk about in plays like that was REALLY the god they believed in it might not be such a hypocritical load of bullshit...but all evidence says it IS a load of hypocritical bullshit that is enforced by religious nutballs the world over every day. Thats sad to me. It would be better if that was what it really was all about, love and acceptance...but it isnt, and thats going to be a harsh dose of reality if this is the smoke being blown up their asses through their formative years. I know it was to a very small degree for me. Nothing notable ever really happened that made me turn from any faith, it was just the realization that there was no way in hell there was some great deity sitting above the clouds who judged my existence based on how much of the "cover charge" I paid every week at church. I decided many many moons ago that church, for alot of people, is just a way to make them feel better about being assholes all week long. If your faith is genuine, I applaud you and hope it does for you whatever it is you need it to...but overall I think those of genuine belief are far outnumbered by those that are there for far more self serving reasons. Going to church every Sunday does not make you a good person, living a good life, doing what you can to make the most of what you are given, working hard and abiding the golden rule...those things make you a good person. And I dont need to give a church $20 a week to do any of those things, I just have to be aware of how I effect those around me...that's free.
I will go to another play if I am invited. I will cheer that kid on until I'm hoarse because he deserves it. I wont care that any of it is religiously themed, thats not why he does it. But it will bother me....I just wont feel the need to post about it again.
On a non-religious rant note I am going to bake up some snickerdoodles today. Its shit cold out, so if the weather is gonna be all sucky I will make my house smell delicious!!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
ISO: Anwers!!!
Well I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend! I was actually off both days, took only a very few work calls that were necessary and relaxed enough that I slept through the night last night into today...thats actually a pretty epic score. Generally speaking I spend Sunday night lying in bed, trying to sleep, getting myself all properly stressed out for Monday...cuz ya know starting every week tired & strung out is always a great idea! Well at least this week I am not tired....well mostly.
Good news?!?! Oh yeah I have some good news! So me & the Mister almost finished the retaining wall that we need to have in so we can plant the garden. We will have to go pick up ONE more load of bricks from Lane Block to complete the wall then we need a truck ton of dirt so I can lay out and plant. I got some more veggies & strawberries too! All told this is going to be a pretty ambitious project/garden seeing as I haven't ever in my life sincerely tended a garden. My parents have like 10 green thumbs between them...I on the other hand dont seem to have any. Its a running joke with the Mister actually that I can kill any plant I am given. Lucky for me I have stepped to the challenge and have successfully kept alive a rubber tree, spider plant a few miscellaneous other things for over a year so I am feeling pretty confident that I can pull this off with Mister's help. Its not a lack of ability, it that I forget to care for the little buggers and they die. Either way I am excited as hell to have this project for the summer. I have about 20 different little started plants to get into the ground and I should have one hell of a take this summer & fall. I do love the Farmers Markets but there is something to be said for growing it all at home yourself! On a side note anyone who needs or wants to buy good block for a project like this I highly recommend Lane Block in Carnegie. They are a bit off the beaten path, but are 1/3 the cost of all of the big chain home improvement places, super great to deal with and make good products. This thing would have cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $900 if we had done it at Home Depot or Lowes, it has run us less than half of that with all materials AND you support a local business instead of a national chain....that alone is enough for me!
So this is also Mister's last week at his current job with me. He put his notice in a few weeks ago and is going to be moving on to an easier gig for the moment that will give him some time to regroup after working with the Wizard for this long. I have very mixed emotions about this move. Mostly I am really happy for him though, and just amazingly sad for me. I am happy for him because I have already watched this job just about destroy him, our marriage & lives once and knowing that it isnt going to happen again makes my heart feel good, just seeing how much happier he is after making the decision and DOING it makes me ecstatic for him, knowing that there are great things on the horizon for him in the future and that he will accomplish them because he isnt going to be so beaten and defeated by this job is a huge plus for him and us....all of these things are reasons to be excited for him and looking forward to moving on and taking our lives back from the Wizard....
But the other side of this coin...Im still here. Im still dealing with the Wizard. I get to continue to smash my head in the car door trying to make it all fit for my delusional boss. I know. Its my choice, and one that is weighing heavily on me at the moment. This sense of obligation I feel to fix this for the Wizard and make sure he is ok is ridiculous. I have no idea where it comes from. I am going to blame my father, actually. I inherited his infinite martyrdom and its why I have such a hard time doing things for me when I feel that I am needed. I thrive on being needed, its a very large part of who I am and what makes me good at what I do...but at what cost?
Ive been wrestling with this since Mister gave notice. I would fuck the Wizard if I left. Would it be the end of him? Hell no...this place existed long before I got here and will continue well after I leave...I know no one is irreplaceable. Would it level a crippling blow? Oh most definitely. The kids have been pretty quiet about Mister's exit. There have been some rumblings, but they all know that he has been majorly unhappy...my exit would raise more eyebrows for sure and probably start an exodus as folks looked for new jobs. That really isnt my problem though. So to decide....do I stay here? Do I keep fighting for my people? The ONLY reason I am even having this much trouble is that I feel obligated to keep at this for my people. The people who work for me, the people who suck their shit through a straw, keep up with his absurd micromanagement, keep showing up, working hard and making my restaurants run. The people that I respect, like and would jump in front of a bus for because they would do it for me in a minute. A lot of us have been together for years now and there is a large part of me that feels like I am abandoning them with the Wizard and leaving them to fail, and thats the part I am having trouble stomaching. I KNOW they would all understand, they see what I do how thin I am spread and how difficult it is to do the 3 jobs I do and they help me all they can and I dont think one of them really gets why I keep doing it. They are why I do it. I do it because they do it and we are a team. But I dont think that is good enough.
So I have a decision to make. And Ill be honest rarely does it take me long to make any important decisions...weigh the facts and make a call, but this one isnt so easy. Money I am not worried about. Its just money. I work hard and can find a way to make it work. We have been broke before and its not the end of the world. Jobs in this industry are easy to come by and I can always find a way to make some money...even if its less than I'm making now. Budgets can be reworked and we will muddle through this. My problem? This job saps the life out of me and makes it very hard to be excited about anything else...which makes completing a business plan and finding money to open my place almost impossible. It literally just sucks the life out of me...emotionally, physically & mentally. I know in my heart that the only way I get my own place is to leave here. That I am not going to get this off the ground with or without investors as long as I am beating my head against a wall in this place.
Oh I wish it was as easy as making a decision. I wish it was as easy as just doing what I want to do and selfishly doing whats best for me. I wish I was better at being selfish about things that really matter. I wish that I could just say fuck it and mean it and walk away without feeling responsible for all of these people. I wish I wish I wish.....but wishing isnt going to fix this bullshit mess I call a job.
What to do...the question of the ages. How long will I make it without Mister here? Do I have the ability to not get fed up with the shit storm Im about to face and NOT walk out at some point? Oh I probably do...I am nothing if not strong enough to stay standing and stupid enough to keep taking it in the face...but the real question is do I want to? The answer is NO - I do not.
Now to decide do I keep at it until the Wizard is stable and the new place is open or do I do whats best for my mental & physical health and walk away? This is really the struggle. I do not want to fuck him over...sincerely I do not. Part of that is selfish, my name has been attached to this place and him for almost a decade, I dont want the house of cards to collapse and have my name associated with it in any way and make me look bad. But on the other hand I know in my heart & mind that if I dont just make the call and do it that one thing will roll into another and 1 year from now I am going to be sitting here trying to figure out how another year went by and I am still doing the same damn thing I was doing a year ago. We will never be optimally staffed because the Wizard is a cheap fucker and we will STILL be perpetually hiring the wrong people because that is all we can afford. There will always be an event or some other hullabaloo that will need organized-set up-executed. There will always be the next big thing on the horizon. There will always be a reason that I will be needed, and a reason to back burner what I want, and a reason to not jump.
I had at first thought it was fear...but I am not scared to fail. I know that I wont, thats just not my style. Then I thought it was fear of HIS failure...and that is a large part of it. I have invested years of my life, quarts of my bloods, gallons of my sweat and tears into these places and for it to fail after all that is just infuriating. But I think when it comes down to it that the only thing holding me back is obligation & a sense of responsibility to a boss who only has his own best interests at heart and a staff who has followed & supported me for years. I dont want to screw my peeps over...but I do every day anyway because of how tightly he's got my hands tied and how thinly I am spread.
My questions to you dear readers.....are my perceived obligations to the Wizard & my staff genuine? Is it wrong of me to cut & run after this many years and this far into a new project? Granted I prob wouldnt go until the opening is all secured, but notice would be given and I would be out soon there after. Am I deluding myself via my sense of obligation and is it really this is just me too scared to jump off the fucking cliff and leave my safety zone? These are but a sampling of the questions that spend their time bouncing around my skull...and I am genuinely interested to hear outside opinions with what limited knowledge you have. There is something to be said for unbiased opinions...and I am definitely actively searching for some. I am not real good at selfish...but I think it may be time for one of those big 'ol "Fuck you man! This is for me!!!" moments....
Another HAPPY NEWS!!! Perfected my chocolate chip cookie recipe....and THAT makes me happy as all hell! Another recipe locked down after much trial & error. SMILES!!
I hope you all are having a far less trying Monday than me...or at east one with more answers than questions anyway.
Good news?!?! Oh yeah I have some good news! So me & the Mister almost finished the retaining wall that we need to have in so we can plant the garden. We will have to go pick up ONE more load of bricks from Lane Block to complete the wall then we need a truck ton of dirt so I can lay out and plant. I got some more veggies & strawberries too! All told this is going to be a pretty ambitious project/garden seeing as I haven't ever in my life sincerely tended a garden. My parents have like 10 green thumbs between them...I on the other hand dont seem to have any. Its a running joke with the Mister actually that I can kill any plant I am given. Lucky for me I have stepped to the challenge and have successfully kept alive a rubber tree, spider plant a few miscellaneous other things for over a year so I am feeling pretty confident that I can pull this off with Mister's help. Its not a lack of ability, it that I forget to care for the little buggers and they die. Either way I am excited as hell to have this project for the summer. I have about 20 different little started plants to get into the ground and I should have one hell of a take this summer & fall. I do love the Farmers Markets but there is something to be said for growing it all at home yourself! On a side note anyone who needs or wants to buy good block for a project like this I highly recommend Lane Block in Carnegie. They are a bit off the beaten path, but are 1/3 the cost of all of the big chain home improvement places, super great to deal with and make good products. This thing would have cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $900 if we had done it at Home Depot or Lowes, it has run us less than half of that with all materials AND you support a local business instead of a national chain....that alone is enough for me!
So this is also Mister's last week at his current job with me. He put his notice in a few weeks ago and is going to be moving on to an easier gig for the moment that will give him some time to regroup after working with the Wizard for this long. I have very mixed emotions about this move. Mostly I am really happy for him though, and just amazingly sad for me. I am happy for him because I have already watched this job just about destroy him, our marriage & lives once and knowing that it isnt going to happen again makes my heart feel good, just seeing how much happier he is after making the decision and DOING it makes me ecstatic for him, knowing that there are great things on the horizon for him in the future and that he will accomplish them because he isnt going to be so beaten and defeated by this job is a huge plus for him and us....all of these things are reasons to be excited for him and looking forward to moving on and taking our lives back from the Wizard....
But the other side of this coin...Im still here. Im still dealing with the Wizard. I get to continue to smash my head in the car door trying to make it all fit for my delusional boss. I know. Its my choice, and one that is weighing heavily on me at the moment. This sense of obligation I feel to fix this for the Wizard and make sure he is ok is ridiculous. I have no idea where it comes from. I am going to blame my father, actually. I inherited his infinite martyrdom and its why I have such a hard time doing things for me when I feel that I am needed. I thrive on being needed, its a very large part of who I am and what makes me good at what I do...but at what cost?
Ive been wrestling with this since Mister gave notice. I would fuck the Wizard if I left. Would it be the end of him? Hell no...this place existed long before I got here and will continue well after I leave...I know no one is irreplaceable. Would it level a crippling blow? Oh most definitely. The kids have been pretty quiet about Mister's exit. There have been some rumblings, but they all know that he has been majorly unhappy...my exit would raise more eyebrows for sure and probably start an exodus as folks looked for new jobs. That really isnt my problem though. So to decide....do I stay here? Do I keep fighting for my people? The ONLY reason I am even having this much trouble is that I feel obligated to keep at this for my people. The people who work for me, the people who suck their shit through a straw, keep up with his absurd micromanagement, keep showing up, working hard and making my restaurants run. The people that I respect, like and would jump in front of a bus for because they would do it for me in a minute. A lot of us have been together for years now and there is a large part of me that feels like I am abandoning them with the Wizard and leaving them to fail, and thats the part I am having trouble stomaching. I KNOW they would all understand, they see what I do how thin I am spread and how difficult it is to do the 3 jobs I do and they help me all they can and I dont think one of them really gets why I keep doing it. They are why I do it. I do it because they do it and we are a team. But I dont think that is good enough.
So I have a decision to make. And Ill be honest rarely does it take me long to make any important decisions...weigh the facts and make a call, but this one isnt so easy. Money I am not worried about. Its just money. I work hard and can find a way to make it work. We have been broke before and its not the end of the world. Jobs in this industry are easy to come by and I can always find a way to make some money...even if its less than I'm making now. Budgets can be reworked and we will muddle through this. My problem? This job saps the life out of me and makes it very hard to be excited about anything else...which makes completing a business plan and finding money to open my place almost impossible. It literally just sucks the life out of me...emotionally, physically & mentally. I know in my heart that the only way I get my own place is to leave here. That I am not going to get this off the ground with or without investors as long as I am beating my head against a wall in this place.
Oh I wish it was as easy as making a decision. I wish it was as easy as just doing what I want to do and selfishly doing whats best for me. I wish I was better at being selfish about things that really matter. I wish that I could just say fuck it and mean it and walk away without feeling responsible for all of these people. I wish I wish I wish.....but wishing isnt going to fix this bullshit mess I call a job.
What to do...the question of the ages. How long will I make it without Mister here? Do I have the ability to not get fed up with the shit storm Im about to face and NOT walk out at some point? Oh I probably do...I am nothing if not strong enough to stay standing and stupid enough to keep taking it in the face...but the real question is do I want to? The answer is NO - I do not.
Now to decide do I keep at it until the Wizard is stable and the new place is open or do I do whats best for my mental & physical health and walk away? This is really the struggle. I do not want to fuck him over...sincerely I do not. Part of that is selfish, my name has been attached to this place and him for almost a decade, I dont want the house of cards to collapse and have my name associated with it in any way and make me look bad. But on the other hand I know in my heart & mind that if I dont just make the call and do it that one thing will roll into another and 1 year from now I am going to be sitting here trying to figure out how another year went by and I am still doing the same damn thing I was doing a year ago. We will never be optimally staffed because the Wizard is a cheap fucker and we will STILL be perpetually hiring the wrong people because that is all we can afford. There will always be an event or some other hullabaloo that will need organized-set up-executed. There will always be the next big thing on the horizon. There will always be a reason that I will be needed, and a reason to back burner what I want, and a reason to not jump.
I had at first thought it was fear...but I am not scared to fail. I know that I wont, thats just not my style. Then I thought it was fear of HIS failure...and that is a large part of it. I have invested years of my life, quarts of my bloods, gallons of my sweat and tears into these places and for it to fail after all that is just infuriating. But I think when it comes down to it that the only thing holding me back is obligation & a sense of responsibility to a boss who only has his own best interests at heart and a staff who has followed & supported me for years. I dont want to screw my peeps over...but I do every day anyway because of how tightly he's got my hands tied and how thinly I am spread.
My questions to you dear readers.....are my perceived obligations to the Wizard & my staff genuine? Is it wrong of me to cut & run after this many years and this far into a new project? Granted I prob wouldnt go until the opening is all secured, but notice would be given and I would be out soon there after. Am I deluding myself via my sense of obligation and is it really this is just me too scared to jump off the fucking cliff and leave my safety zone? These are but a sampling of the questions that spend their time bouncing around my skull...and I am genuinely interested to hear outside opinions with what limited knowledge you have. There is something to be said for unbiased opinions...and I am definitely actively searching for some. I am not real good at selfish...but I think it may be time for one of those big 'ol "Fuck you man! This is for me!!!" moments....
Another HAPPY NEWS!!! Perfected my chocolate chip cookie recipe....and THAT makes me happy as all hell! Another recipe locked down after much trial & error. SMILES!!
I hope you all are having a far less trying Monday than me...or at east one with more answers than questions anyway.
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