Ouch! I think I bruised something when I fell off the wagon...

Ugh, but I think it was still mostly my ego. Its somewhat ironic that this post follows the Seven Days one...but I fell off the smoking wagon. I didnt fall far & I didnt jump into the deep end, but I fell none the less.  It started with a shitty day, it ended with me at Get Go buying a pack of smokes. It further ended by getting called out by Mister for cheating. Either way FAIL. And Im not real happy about it...obviously.

Excuses? Oh Im sure I can find about a bazillion.  Long story short The Wizard was being unusually anal about a new party room & it took everything I had not to tell him to just go fuck himself if he thinks we suck this bad go do it yourself. Stack that on top of an already busy week, trying to actually GET the party room set up and dealing with some overall Negative Nancys about EVERYTHING that I needed to accomplish and I got tweaky and strung out ~ two things that I generally am not. Stopped at the store to get some caffeine and with next to no thought what so ever bought a pack of smokes.

Now I only smoked 4 out of that pack, the 4th one being the one that got my ass called out by Mister for the cheat, and the next morning dipped the whole pack in water and threw it away to prevent any urge to go get them and smoke them. Main issue - my resolve is broken. I failed. Apparently that first week for me was pretty easy compared to the 2nd week for whatever reason and after a clean week I broke.

I think its time to admit defeat over this bullshit and find a different way that doesnt rely on me sticking to my guns to knock this habit out. I cant even begin to explain how unhappy with me I am at the moment, to be doing so well and then just fuck it all up. BUT I am not a dwell on what has already happened kind of gal...its a matter now of figuring out where to go from here.

I figure I have 3 options.

1. Drugs - call the doc and figure out what my options are for smoking cessation drugs. One that would make me violently ill if I tried to smoke would be ideal. The bad side is I am not a fan of pill popping, dont particularly care for the idea of pumping myself full of chemicals to kick a nicotine habit and really dont want to invest a couple hundred dollars a month into kicking an already expensive habit.  The good side is I know more than a couple people that have gone this route and it worked for them quite well with minimal side effects.  Long term going this route is STILL better than continuing to smoke.
2. Hypnotism - yeah this is totally not something that I would normally ever even consider, but its been recommended to me multiple times, doesnt involve fooling my body with a bunch of chemicals and from what I can read works in most cases. I still feel like its some parlor trick bullshit, and if it wasnt $300 per session I might have already tried it...but to shell out $300 for some dude with a watch to subliminally tell me to not smoke with NO guarantee that itll work? I dont think so. Now if I could do it and if it DIDNT work I could get my money back that would be different, but thats not the way it works from what I understand.  I honestly wonder if this is one of those things that you have to believe in in order for it to work and I think Im a tad too cynical for any methods that involve blind faith...but my mind is open & im considering it.
3. Hire a violent monkey to follow me around and pop me upside the head when I reach for a cigarette. This one has a couple different plus points 1) I get a fucking monkey! Even if its smacking me upside the head its a monkey and that would be cool. 2) It would be hella entertaining for anyone around me to watch me get the shit kicked out of me by a simian with violent tendencies when I want to smoke. 3) I would HAVE to follow my own rules because there is no reasoning with a pissed off monkey.  Now on the down side there is the whole monkey poo flinging creature thing...but really, whats a poo flinging monkey compared to a pack a day habit?

Well whatever I decide to do Im not giving up completely. I will find a way to kick this, I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that it wont be by sheer force of will and I may need some *gulp* help. I wont allow myself to go back up to even close to a pack a day...so control at this point is a must but that I can deal with, I just suck at the NONE thing. So Im going to keep fighting with myself to keep me from being a full blown smoker of 20 smokes a day (the fact that its sub fucking arctic out side will help with that), talk to my doctor to see what my options are for drugs and seriously consider this hypnotism thing because it wont hurt me to keep an open mind.

Im open to suggestions or even opinions about where I go next. Anyone out there have a magical cure for nicotine addiction and wanna share?

Im still so mad at me it's UNREAL.

SEVEN DAYS!!!!

Its been a week. A FULL WEEK! I think Im over the hump so to speak and can say with some certainty that I am a non-smoker. I can sincerely say that this is the first time I have ever made it this long without completely collapsing and just buying a pack. No cheats no matter how tempted because I know me and that would have been all it would have taken for me to fall off the proverbial wagon.

I had my first real "my precious" nicotine moment yesterday for the week and gum came to the rescue.  I have meeting with my store managers (90% of which smoke) every month and yesterday and today are those days. When the meeting breaks we generally head out front to chitchat & have a smoke, I was involved in a couple diff conversations so I wandered out with them. Mistake. 5 of them standing there smoking away in front of me. Any of them would have given me one or a hit if I had asked. First time since I quit that I actually thought well maybe Ill just have 1 and thats all. I kicked myself in the head, found my gum and resisted the urge. 

Will power has NEVER been a strength of mine when it comes to vices and I was quite proud that I didnt fold and take one. I also am still looking forward to the day that smell will gross me out. Sources say its going to be another week or so and I will start to be incredibly sensitive to it. It already repulses me when a hard core smokers wanders past me and their clothes reek of dirty ashtray, but that smell has always grossed me out. I need the wafting smell of cigarette smoke to turn my stomach...and the sooner the better.

Have to go into town post meeting tonight to visit my Gram in the hospital - Mercy.  She tripped over a rug in her bathroom and jacked up her Tibia.  Didnt break the knee cap as originally thought, but cracked the top of the tibia. After much debate it has been decided that surgery is a senseless risk that she would not benefit from, which I am pretty sure is the exact decision she wanted us to make but would do what my dad & aunt thought was best for her. At the moment she is all drugged up on pain pills so shes as comfortable as she can be and awaiting a transfer to a skilled nursing facility in Bethel Park where she will be 12 weeks in a wheel chair so it can heal.  She already walks with a cane & will now probably have to use a walker, but it will heal and she will be mostly mobile again.

Granted the injury could have been worse, but I think this is the end of her being able or even wanting to live on her own.  Shes been alone in her own home since my pap passed 6 years ago and she does amazingly well, but I think this will have shaken her and she will be afraid to stay alone.  She had to crawl to the phone to call my aunt for help and thankfully she could. It makes me sad. Shes been a strong, independent woman my entire life and it makes me sad to see that coming to an end no matter how smart or in her best interest that may be. Fortunately a lot of her church buddies have also moved into assisted living retirement homes so she will be happy to be closer to them for her card games and such and overall will still lead a very happy & much safer existence ~ but I still dont like to see it. Part of it is a sadness for the major and unexpected change she is going to go through, the other is this being a milestone in my life...she was my last grandparent that was living on her own and watching my dad have to make these decisions with my aunt for her is hard. Not only is she getting older but I am too.

She is going to be in the hospital for the holidays so we are going to do everything we can to make that as awesome for her as possible. Christmas is her favorite holiday so since she cant come to it we will bring it to her. All things considered the catalyst for this transition for her could have been so much more severe and on the sunny side I am happy as hell it isnt serious, she will heal and she will bounce back however slowly...but it still marks the end of an era that I dont think any of us were wanting to see.