I did it! And saw a pony...

I decided there's no time like the present and started my Couch to 5K today after work.  I had planned to be done around 5:30ish and that turned into 7-ish but I figured the worst the could happen if I ended up running in the darker hours through the Panhandle Trail woods was getting killed by an axe murder so why the fuck not.  So since Mister took Puppybutt with him this morning on his run I decided to load the Old Gal in the Jeep and take her with me. 

So the running part wasnt bad at all, even if I'm a smoker.  Yoga breathing helps I think and it wasnt the most awful thing I have ever done by far.  I actually kind of enjoyed myself.  I ran the Panhandle Trail in Walkers Mill (on the way to Rennerdale for yinz that are from around here n'at) and followed the minute run - minute & a half brisk walk.  Helps that that stretch of trail is gorgeous for whatever reason youre there for, but me & my girl Zoe had an excellent little jaunt.

Honestly I think Zoe was just thrilled to be going anywhere without the puppy and when we got to a woodsy like area she was so excited she regressed about 7 years & we had to relearn how to behave on a leash.  I had also kind of forgotten that Labs - well they like water alot, and that trail follows the creek, so i spent a good amount of time trying to convince her that she really didnt want to go for a swim, seriously, she didnt...no matter what her nose was telling her.  Overall though for a dog who really doesnt need a leash she did amazingly well keeping up with my little jog.

So we are headed back toward the car, and Im jogging and all of a sudden she is all but breaking her neck to look behind her. I, of course, was listening to my music so didnt hear what she did and I slowed to check out her ZOMG!!! (not a good idea for me to turn around while running, thats how I make a total ass outta myself and fall down) and out of the corner of my eye I see a lady jogging up past me with a long leash.  Tied to the end of this leash is a friggin miniature horse.  Swear to Jebus! It was wearing a big dog collar and she had its lead clipped to the back of her belt and it was trotting along being her like a dog.  If there was any way I could have gotten a pic I would have.  She was also listening to her iPod so didnt hear me when I kinda OMG is that a miniature horse?!? -ed her as she ran past. 

So I was a little taken aback by this My Little Pony looking thing but Zoe - she wanted to get it so bad! I dont think she really knew WTF it was but she did know it was moving quick, it wasnt much bigger than her and she totally wanted to smell its butt.  I had her on her retractable leash and I think she about broke the damn thing trying to take off after it (and yes, me ever so gracefully jerked along behind her) and she actually whined desperately to be let go to get it.  It was adorable.  My Old Girl is old...shes about 10, but shes in amazingly awesome shape and can still act like an asshole puppy when the mood suits her.  I think I can safely say Zoe enjoyed her run today.

A couple of other fun things I saw...

A young boy, Id say about 8, in a wagon, pointing down an embankment into a murky pond looking ornery while his mom was screeching at him to not even think about the EXACT thing he was thinking about as he rolled himself down the embankment and right into said murky pond.  I laughed, literally out loud...that boys mom.....yeah, no. I think if I hadnt been there she may have actually drowned him, I could still hear her screaming 100 yards away. Something about strapping him to the hood of the car on the way home cuz there was no way in hell his wet smelly ass we getting into her car blah blah blah...the kid looked like he had conquered the world & it was worth the screaming.

As we were leaving I was loading Miss Zoe into the Jeep & getting her some water and watching the father of 2 very cute little girls try to defy physics and force both of their bikes into the trunk of their Altima trough sheer force of will while his wife stood behind him on her cell giving her mother a play by play of where they were, what they had just done, how they got there and how stupid her husband was for not being able to load the car properly.  The then loaded up his adorable little girls and was driving over to pick her up (like 25 feet mind you) because she had been over there squawking at her mom some more and shouted at him to do it. Between her not paying attention and him not paying attention Squawker Wife about got ran over....which caused more squawking and even some shrieking.  1) She had a very Fran Drescher voice thing going on and was LOUD so it was hard to miss any part of her conversation. 2) Holy crap she was a total dick to her husband so I dont really blame him for number 3) Im not 100% certain that was an accident.

People watching & running really arent a bad way to spend an evening!!  We shall see if Im hurting from the running part tomorrow. If not Im back on the trail Saturday!!

Oh yes, and lest we forget...

Tomorrow night...Game 1. Bring it Habs!!!!!

First imma say it....then imma do it!

Off today...yay!! So i dragged the Mister all over Robinson Town Center to look for new shoes.  Thrilling day off, I know.  We did make the trek out to Janoski's for a brunch first so that was wicked awesome.  For those who dont know do your selves a favor, set your GPS for Janoski's and take the drive (its near Clinton out past the airport) and go have an excellent meal at the family run restaurant on the left then take a wander across the street to the for real Farmers Market & Greenhouse. Promise - you'll LOVE it. And get the pancakes (best I have EVER had anywhere ever) or the Chicken Fried Steak (hand breaded and as big as your head, swear to jebus!).   Its really local, the prices are just ridiculous and its a for real we grow our own vegetables and get our eggs from the egg guy down the street and make this all from scratch complete awesomeness. Just go, ok?

So Ive decided Im going to give this Couch to 5K a try, hence the need for new shoes...and sports bras.  Im generally not a runner, Ill walk real fast for miles no prob, but I dont really run.  There are a couple reasons for this. 1) I have huge boobs. And Im not talking the Im not a size 2 huge boobs, im talking even if I were a size 2 these would still be gigantic huge boobs.  These are not conducive to running at all.  They actually seem to have concocted an evil plot to knock me off balance.  Seriously! They just dont make things like running easy.  Im not complaining though, in just about every other way I am totally cool with The Girls...Ive grown quite attached to them, actually. The other reason, 2) is that I fell a number of years ago and broke my leg in 2 places and severely dislocated my left ankle.  I wish I could say it was during some amazing feat of heroic-ness and I was rushing out of a burning building carrying 4 puppies, a small child and a goldfish to safety and out for ice cream...but I would totally be lying.  I was walking down a step - yes one, singular, only, solo, all by itself - step, rolled my ankle and fell down breaking my leg.  Yes - you are so totally correct in assuming that I am the most graceful and delicate of all flowers....just ask anyone who's known me for less than 3 minutes...please?  But the break had me have my first surgery and left me with 13 rivets, 1 titanium plate and 2 screws holding my left leg all together. This makes me nervous. I do NOT want to do that again...even though logically I know that the running will in the long term help it, on the day to day front I have a mild nagging fear in the back of my head (amazingly enough it sounds a lot like my mother screeching at me) about doing damage and hurting myself....I need to get over that.  I mean no, youre not gonna catch me going bungee jumping anytime soon, but I dont think some jogging is going to be what kills me. 

Oh well I guess theres 3 reasons really...Im also kinda lazy. Im not real into the whole fitness & dieting thing.  I have to like what im doing...if I dont I wont do it.  Call it a pleasure driven personality, but if I dont like it or enjoy doing it I just wont.  I like going to the gym, but I dont like it all that much, being outside, running with the dogs, that I could definitely like.  And the Couch to 5K thing is a really nice way to break into it slowly and at a pace that wont leave me hating it.  So Im going to give it a go.  Got my new kicks at a place called Elite Running something in Chiodo Plaza on Rt 60.......if you are in need of running gear go to this place.  They actually watched me walk to tell me what kind of shoe I could get and then told me why.  Really measured my foot to make sure I was getting the best size.  Went into the back and brought out 3 shoes for me to try on and his first choice was perfect.  Loved the experience, was able to tell him what I was planning to try (and he also said that it was a great way to break in, to take my time and give it a couple months and I would enjoy the jog, but it was hard), what I was worried about as far as my current shoes and get some intelligent feedback on what I was thinking about.  Truly awesome.  We had been to Dicks and they were clueless and I really dug that the people I was talking to were runners & seemed genuinely interested in making sure I had the right shoes.  If you run, visit them...I doubt you will be disappointed.  Costed about what I was anticipating it to as well so I dont believe I was gouged for the service.  So now I am all properly outfitted with sports bras, decent shoes & the Droid App for Couch to 5K...I just need to pick a first day. 

See....so now that Ive said it here....I kinda have to do it, right? Well that and if I made Mister go all over the place shopping with me and then I flail Im not ever going to hear the end of it and that, quite frankly, is just not tolerable.  Wish me Luck!!

I'm not wrong...I'm just an asshole!!

So I had originally planned to do a post today about my really not all that miserable first week without Mister at work with me.  I prob still will do that post because it's been writing itself in my head for the last couple days and needs to be let out....but THEN The Wizard walks into my office this morning and drops what he thinks is going to be some earth shattering BOMB and it took everything I had NOT to laugh and smile & squeee and I decided this needed to be written instead.

So our company Heath Insurance (HI) rates were scheduled to increase. Yeah - HUGE shock I know...like it doesnt happen every friggin year.  And The Wizard wasnt happy about that for obvious reasons, it was something like a 48% rate hike.  I agree, RECOCKULOUS, but on the incentive program he offers I dont pay for dick outside of my deductibles & copays so in all honesty I dont give a shit HOW much the rates increase - but therein lies the issue, there are quite a few of us that arent paying for dick which means hes stuck with all of it unless he plans on changing the incentive policy for HI which would cause a jihad I have nooo doubt - I would be leading it. So The Wizard shopped for options with this flake of a woman that he uses for our HI brokering, I will call her Twitball - cuz she is one.

So Twitball tells The Wizard she can get HI at half what we would be paying, +/- 10% once they review the actual policy.  The Wizard is all over this.  He drafts horridly misspelled letters to all the managers explaining the rate hike and placing it to a vote - we can vote for Option A - keep our really good HI and pay a portion of the premium out of our pockets with no changes to the policy or deductible or Option B go with the lesser policy at the cheaper premium and continue the incentive program. Majority wins.  Well shocker!! The staff opted to go with Option B. I, personally wasnt real happy about that, but I understand it from their perspective and if thats what they want, fine, I can deal with it. Note to readers: I have had a manager going through cancer treatments for the last year - The Wizard obviously knows this, and he also knows our rates will be based on the last years claims. To think that we could EVER get sincerely cheap insurance coverage is naive & stupid.

Well Twitball gets out the forms, gets the policy written, sets appointments to go to all the restaurants and talk to the managers this last Saturday about the changes in their coverage and make sure they are cool with the switch that takes place May 1st....2 weeks away.  We are all set to roll on the Shitty Health Insurance Express!!! All aboard for crap doctor choices & bottom of the barrel medical care woohoo!!! <--- this is me being very very sarcastic.

So Friday night, like after 8pm Twittball calls The Wizard to tell him that golly gee Wizard the price they quoted was slightly off base...the actual price is 150% higher than the cheapo quote...........yeah so much for +/- 10% huh? Well that actual price was actually HIGHER than the one for the really good insurance....hehehehe! So aside from The Wizard having a minor seizure when Twitball told him she done fucked up (again mind you, we have gone through this with Twitball annually for 4 years now) he made her cancel her appointments to go talk to the store managers and told her he was very disappointed that she led him to believe that this was going to be 60% less than out current insurer option when she really didnt know one way or the other and for waiting until the last possible minute to try to get this all worked out.  Well duh Wizard - why do you think she waits - shes incompetent and needs to leave you no other options due to time contraints.

So I guess while he was standing in my doorway in all his Wizardly glory telling me with righteous indignation how upset he is that he now has to be a "man of his word" and cant go back on what he agreed to with his people and he now has an obligation to make good on what he said so he just simply CANT ask us to pay into it now that he was expecting some sympathy? And I guess when he was asking me if I thought it would be ok to increase our deductible to get that premium lowered that he thought I was going to say something along the lines of "well yeah boss if thats whats best for the company" so he may have been slightly taken aback by my "um actually boss I really dont think thats right, its not our fault you got screwed over by Twitball...again" comment instead. 

So Im an asshole for gleaming a small amount of joy out of his obvious torture having to fork out so much in benefits for us managers...and I'm also an asshole because I could have hugged him I was so happy to not have to take the crap insurance he was going to switch us to...and yeah Im kind of an asshole too because I LOVE that he continues to deal with Twitball and continues to get screwed over for our health insurance coverage EVERY YEAR. So yeah, it may be kind of wrong of me to be happy about the company having to fork over this much more money for benefits, but in all honesty it couldnt have happened to a nicer prick...and THAT, my dear friends, is why I'm an asshole. 

But I'm an asshole that STILL has really good health insurance that Im not having to pay for!

Why married people don't have sex...

Such an excellent Sunday! They said yuck weather ALL day & they were wrong...yay!!!

Me & Mister made an early pilgrimage to Lowes to get a buncha crap that we needed to make the garden LIVE! Mission accomplished!  We got a bunch of fencing to keep the dogs & other wildlife away from our veggies, some mushroom manure and got the whole thing planted.  Seems that I over estimated the room we would have in the garden, so the majority of the for real veggies are going to live in the garden, the shallots & garlic now have a happy home in a planter on the patio and the horseradish does too.  Thats probably best only because all 3 are perennials and have the tendency to take over their areas after a year or 2 so they can have the big ass planters and grow away.  It looks a bit sparse at the moment, but its new so it'll get better.  Im hoping our fencing is enough to keep critters from eating everything.  It should be, but critters can be conniving little fuckers. I can tell you this, the Puppy, she does NOT understand why she isnt allowed to go into where all the dirt that shes loves so much is. She just seems perplexed that there is so much that she wants just right over there and she cant get it. Its terribly amusing. The Old Gal...well she could care less outside of the fact she now has to walk AROUND this inconvenience to get to HER yard...but she's old, so its somewhat expected. Well that and she really could care less if we ever ate vegetables. Her favorite vegetable is cow.

We did suffer some casualties in the seedling department, but I think that our basement is just too cool & damp to grow happy seedlings.  Next attempts are going to be relocated to our office, which is rarely used to do anything but put shit I dont want to look at for a looong time, and its sunny and much much warmer.  I think that'll make for much stronger seedlings.  We live & we learn!

So a new problem is that there was little to no room for the herbs that I seeded in the garden.  This requires a Plan B. I didnt really have a Plan B for this situation.  Im thinking I may just get some planters and plant them in those.  That will be easier to keep weeded for sure. I really dont know, going to have to do some research and see what strikes my fancy.

Also got under our dogwood dug out so I could transplant some phlox that are in another planter.  They had grown to be wicked huge & healthy but the Mister has to tear down the walls and rebuild them so their only chance of survival was being moved.  So we got it all dug out & I moved them so now there is a gorgeous mound of phlox laying under my dogwood.  Strange note about the dogwood - it was almost completely split in half during the snow storms, but it budded, so I zip tied the 2 pieces together and it seems to be doing well.  Thats pretty awesome, but quite weird.

So now to figure out where I want to move the 3 azalea shrubs that are in there too.  Two of them are doing really well, 1 has been the victim of the sand slipping behind the wall.  Its not dead, but its not very happy either.  Hoping a relocation will render it beautiful again...it just needs some healthy dirt.  Not sure where I want to put them yet, but I'm thinking maybe against the fence we just put up on the far side of the garden. We shall see what the Mister thinks...

Once he finishes the wall reconstruction I have 20 strawberry plants to plant and if there is more room I might go get some other berry shrubs to go in there too.  I know I wont get much this year, but next year I should get enough to make some jam and thats the why I'm planting them in the first place.   If there isnt room I am already developing another place to grow some berry shrubs.  There's a pretty sweet spot down by the dogwood that wouldnt take too long to turn over and could use something to take the eyes away from the abandoned garage that is slowly decaying back there - see photo above. (I thank the borough for its continued existence...one of these years maybe they will tear down the hazard...maybe) I will need to do more research to see if this is a feasible idea or not...Mister tends to get a tad irritated when I say things like "Hey Mister! You need to make this happen" when its going to be a pain in the ass. I have to at the very least KNOW if it will be a pain in the ass before I ask to have it done...

I also got my planters on the porch loaded with begonias and some other purple thing I cant remember the name of at the moment.  Next up is the hanging baskets but it's not quite time for that just yet. 

The Puppy is standing guard of the newly moved Butterfly bush and the Asiatic lily & freesia bulbs I planted today, too.  I really think if she had a vote we would play outside in the dirt all day every day...unfortunately she has not acquired the manners of a non-asshole puppy so its less fun for me & Mister.

All in all one hell of a productive day...and I was showered & relaxing before 5pm. 

So this is the answer. This is why.  Married people dont not have sex because they dont want to...its because they get married, buy houses and all of a sudden have a gazillion tons of bullshit they have to do that single people...renters...dont have to do.

...but the flowers are gorgeous and the veggies will be awesome ;-)

It was a Jebus play!!!

Well I dont generally get up on my soap box about religion or politics only because its fruitless.  People are going to believe whatever it is they choose to believe ad quite frankly that is none of my business.  I am friends with and associate with a wide variety of different people, from different backgrounds and with different belief and faith ideals and I respect each and every one of them...I can't say that I agree with them in every situation, but I respect the fact they believe what they believe and that helps them get through the day.  In all reality that's all that really matters when it comes down to it. 

Personally faith doesn't mean much to me.  I was raised Catholic.  I went to church every week, I read for mass, I helped out at the nunnery (no idea what its really called, that what Ive always called it anywho), was christened, communioned, confirmed and all that jazz...I am VERY familiar with Catholic doctrine.  I will also preface with this - I know when I launch off about this that it isnt EVERY single solitary Christian & Catholic that I am referencing, its just the ones that make the most noise and cause the most bullshit, so no, I am not making broad generalizations about all churchgoers...so chill out.  And also remember - I respect your right to believe in God, you really should respect my right to think hes an amazingly powerful work of fiction...I dont think thats too much to ask for...and if it is, stop reading now, you're just going get all pissed off here soon.

So I get a call at 8:30am Saturday from my 9 year old nephew telling me he has a play Saturday night and he wants me & Mister to be there to see it.  Ok now realistically one of the last places on Earth I want to be on a Saturday night is sitting in a Nazarene  church the South Hills, but I dont come around real often, he asked me himself and this will not kill me so I tell him we will be there.  Just showing up is going to make this kids month and hes had a rough time of late with my sister & her husband separating...so if all I have to do is carve a couple hours out of my weekend to make this kid so happy he will explode then so be it, I will adventure to the South Hills to watch this play.  My sister never really has said much about this acting group he's a part of outside of the fact that nephew absolutely loves it and it has done amazing things for his self esteem & confidence to be a part of it - so win all over the place for the kid.  He's shy and quite sensitive so getting him out of his shell is hard and being a part of this group has really helped him in alot of ways.  I tell Mister we are going, he says he will in his best "I am only doing this because you want me to and I will sit and behave myself for the duration but realize you are testing the limits of my patience and if you even THINK about making me spend the rest of our night with the kids I will be a total asshole" tone.  Message received loud and clear...we've done this once or twice before ;-)

So we go. And for the record in the 2 hours before all hell had broken loose at 2 of the 4 restaurants by way of power outage followed by gylcol pump explosion at one and a sewer backing up and causing mayhem and closed bathrooms at another...you know - the Murphy's Law bullshit that occurs EVERY time the Wizard goes out of town for a couple days, that had me on the phone and texting about 4 different people as I finished getting ready and we drove there.  It was ridiculous to be honest, and if I hadn't promised that kid that I would be there and I didn't know that he would be so upset if I didnt show up I would have gone back into work.  But I did promise, and he would be hurt, so i walked in late due to pacing on the phone in the lot, but I got there.

We sit down and I listen to the lyrics...it's a jesus play.  And not like a little bit of jesus thrown in for good measure, but full on jesus play, like with scripture quotes and shit.  I was kind of stunned.  My sister isnt particularly religious, neither is her hubby and I just wasnt expecting it.  Yes yes yes it took place at a church...but that didnt mean it was going to be all churchy - they do have multipurpose rooms and shit in churches.  I texted my sister since we werent sitting with them "you coulda warned me this was a jebus play", she responds "I wasnt sure youd come..." and I kind of chuckled and thought yeah I would have come, but I definitely would have left Mister at home.  I have some pretty harsh opinions on organized religion but he has a pure hatred of it...and to his credit he sat and tolerated all of it, remained pleasant and did what he had to do to support the kid.  He was rewarded with Danny's hoagies & pizza on the way home. LOL

So I listen to this for the better part of an hour, I watch these kids who all seem genuinely into what they are doing, I hear the message they are trying to convey...and I grew more and more annoyed as I sat there.  So to sum up the play - a boy has to join a new baseball team of ultra goody goody teammates that all work in perfect harmony and hes this loose cannon with an attitude problem.  They meet a gigantic grasshopper & "praying" mantis that introduce them to a giant talking lily and tweaking out huge bird that who in turn introduce them to 3 historic biblical characters - David from David & Goliath and 2 other stories that I am far less familiar with.  Either way the moral of this hour was that if you just put your faith in god and except jesus into your home and heart that you will always be loved, accepted and will never fail.  That no matter what as long as you have this blind faith in jesus you will never be lead astray and you will always have whatever it is you need or desire.  That jesus and your faith is all you need to succeed in life.

This offended me. This offended me alot.  Pardon my french here but what a crock of shit. Especially coming from the fucking church! Maybe if they were even close to telling the truth - you know the part where all of this applies as long as your aren't different than their ideal - I might have felt less offended.  They were lying. Out and out blatantly lying. They stood up on that goddamn alter and proceeded to have a group of about 50 7-12 year olds spout that as long as you believe is jesus you will get everything you want.  And I talked to my nephews about it after, both the 8 &  9 year old, and they believed it.  Granted we didn't get all into a deep conversation about it, they are kids, but they still bought the basic premise.  And its a freaking lie. Faith may help, faith may provide strength in times of weakness, faith can give you a place to turn if you want or need it, but faith will never solely give you success.  For some people its an integral puzzle piece that allows them to accomplish things...and good for them, but its a PIECE of a whole thing that makes the success. Its not like you can pray for money and get it, or pray for groceries and they appear, or pray to have a better job and you'll be magically made smarter and more employable.  Faith can help you gather the tools needed to be successful, but its not going to just make anything magically appear. They almost made god sound like Santa Claus - if you just believe in his existence you will be magically given a life worth living just like a big pile of presents under the tree at Christmas.  Faith in a jolly man dressed in red did not make that pile appear - but our hard working parents did. 

And I think my main issue with the whole thing wasn't the message...I know they are kids and maybe that level of realism isnt really appropriate - I just happen to think the average kid is much smarter than we give them credit for and bullshit like that can be damaging. But when it was all over the Director gets up and thanks everyone blah blah blah then launches into this diatribe about money money money and how all this costs money and they only ask the parents to contribute very little so its an affordable program but they were going to send around the ushers with the collection plate and ask everyone to donate what they could afford to help the children ram more overly conservative tea-party-esque messages down our throat to a snappy beat. This grated on me. Just charge for tickets then, seriously, dont stand up there and in your best condescending tone try to make me feel guilty. No one sitting in those pews was a fucking idiot. We know shit costs money, tell us what you want and we will pay it, no need for all the mellow dramatics.  So while they round up the collection plates she keeps talking about how this program helps kids get to know god and how this faith will make them powerful and how good it is to be accepted with the church it is support forever.  Then a soloist stands up and sings a song about how even if youre not perfect you are loved by god as individuals with flaws and imperfections as part of the deal.  And I got even more annoyed.  That may be the crap you are spewing at plays, but its bullshit. If that was what any of the larger organized religions believed there would be so much less judgment and alot more acceptance of individuals and that isnt what happens. 

I hadn't been to church in awhile. I highly doubt Ill be going back any time soon. The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way.  Youre telling these kids it ok to be an imperfect individual, its ok to have flaws, just accept jesus and have faith and no matter what everything will be ok.  And yet every day you hear about people hurting, killing, abusing other people over different beliefs about religion, politics, sexuality all stemming from their faith and the rules of their faith. If the god they talk about in plays like that was REALLY the god they believed in it might not be such a hypocritical load of bullshit...but all evidence says it IS a load of hypocritical bullshit that is enforced by religious nutballs the world over every day. Thats sad to me. It would be better if that was what it really was all about, love and acceptance...but it isnt, and thats going to be a harsh dose of reality if this is the smoke being blown up their asses through their formative years.  I know it was to a very small degree for me. Nothing notable ever really happened that made me turn from any faith, it was just the realization that there was no way in hell there was some great deity sitting above the clouds who judged my existence based on how much of the "cover charge" I paid every week at church.  I decided many many moons ago that church, for alot of people, is just a way to make them feel better about being assholes all week long.  If your faith is genuine, I applaud you and hope it does for you whatever it is you need it to...but overall I think those of genuine belief are far outnumbered by those that are there for far more self serving reasons.  Going to church every Sunday does not make you a good person, living a good life, doing what you can to make the most of what you are given, working hard and abiding the golden rule...those things make you a good person. And I dont need to give a church $20 a week to do any of those things, I just have to be aware of how I effect those around me...that's free.

I will go to another play if I am invited.  I will cheer that kid on until I'm hoarse because he deserves it.  I wont care that any of it is religiously themed, thats not why he does it. But it will bother me....I just wont feel the need to post about it again.

On a non-religious rant note I am going to bake up some snickerdoodles today. Its shit cold out, so if the weather is gonna be all sucky I will make my house smell delicious!!!

ISO: Anwers!!!

Well I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend!  I was actually off both days, took only a very few work calls that were necessary and relaxed enough that I slept through the night last night into today...thats actually a pretty epic score. Generally speaking I spend Sunday night lying in bed, trying to sleep, getting myself all properly stressed out for Monday...cuz ya know starting every week tired & strung out is always a great idea! Well at least this week I am not tired....well mostly.

Good news?!?! Oh yeah I have some good news! So me & the Mister almost finished the retaining wall that we need to have in so we can plant the garden.  We will have to go pick up ONE more load of bricks from Lane Block to complete the wall then we need a truck ton of dirt so I can lay out and plant.  I got some more veggies & strawberries too! All told this is going to be a pretty ambitious project/garden seeing as I haven't ever in my life sincerely tended a garden. My parents have like 10 green thumbs between them...I on the other hand dont seem to have any.  Its a running joke with the Mister actually that I can kill any plant I am given.  Lucky for me I have stepped to the challenge and have successfully kept alive a rubber tree, spider plant a few miscellaneous other things for over a year so I am feeling pretty confident that I can pull this off with Mister's help.  Its not a lack of ability, it that I forget to care for the little buggers and they die.  Either way I am excited as hell to have this project for the summer.  I have about 20 different little started plants to get into the ground and I should have one hell of a take this summer & fall.  I do love the Farmers Markets but there is something to be said for growing it all at home yourself! On a side note anyone who needs or wants to buy good block for a project like this I highly recommend Lane Block in Carnegie.  They are a bit off the beaten path, but are 1/3 the cost of all of the big chain home improvement places, super great to deal with and make good products.  This thing would have cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $900 if we had done it at Home Depot or Lowes, it has run us less than half of that with all materials AND you support a local business instead of a national chain....that alone is enough for me!

So this is also Mister's last week at his current job with me. He put his notice in a few weeks ago and is going to be moving on to an easier gig for the moment that will give him some time to regroup after working with the Wizard for this long.  I have very mixed emotions about this move.  Mostly I am really happy for him though, and just amazingly sad for me.  I am happy for him because I have already watched this job just about destroy him, our marriage & lives once and knowing that it isnt going to happen again makes my heart feel good, just seeing how much happier he is after making the decision and DOING it makes me ecstatic for him, knowing that there are great things on the horizon for him in the future and that he will accomplish them because he isnt going to be so beaten and defeated by this job is a huge plus for him and us....all of these things are reasons to be excited for him and looking forward to moving on and taking our lives back from the Wizard....

But the other side of this coin...Im still here. Im still dealing with the Wizard. I get to continue to smash my head in the car door trying to make it all fit for my delusional boss.  I know. Its my choice, and one that is weighing heavily on me at the moment. This sense of obligation I feel to fix this for the Wizard and make sure he is ok is ridiculous. I have no idea where it comes from. I am going to blame my father, actually. I inherited his infinite martyrdom and its why I have such a hard time doing things for me when I feel that I am needed.  I thrive on being needed, its a very large part of who I am and what makes me good at what I do...but at what cost?

Ive been wrestling with this since Mister gave notice. I would fuck the Wizard if I left. Would it be the end of him? Hell no...this place existed long before I got here and will continue well after I leave...I know no one is irreplaceable. Would it level a crippling blow? Oh most definitely.  The kids have been pretty quiet about Mister's exit.  There have been some rumblings, but they all know that he has been majorly unhappy...my exit would raise more eyebrows for sure and probably start an exodus as folks looked for new jobs.  That really isnt my problem though.  So to decide....do I stay here? Do I keep fighting for my people? The ONLY reason I am even having this much trouble is that I feel obligated to keep at this for my people. The people who work for me, the people who suck their shit through a straw, keep up with his absurd micromanagement, keep showing up, working hard and making my restaurants run. The people that I respect, like and would jump in front of a bus for because they would do it for me in a minute.  A lot of us have been together for years now and there is a large part of me that feels like I am abandoning them with the Wizard and leaving them to fail, and thats the part I am having trouble stomaching.  I KNOW they would all understand, they see what I do how thin I am spread and how difficult it is to do the 3 jobs I do and they help me all they can and I dont think one of them really gets why I keep doing it. They are why I do it. I do it because they do it and we are a team. But I dont think that is good enough.

So I have a decision to make. And Ill be honest rarely does it take me long to make any important decisions...weigh the facts and make a call, but this one isnt so easy.  Money I am not worried about. Its just money. I work hard and can find a way to make it work.  We have been broke before and its not the end of the world.  Jobs in this industry are easy to come by and I can always find a way to make some money...even if its less than I'm making now. Budgets can be reworked and we will muddle through this.  My problem? This job saps the life out of me and makes it very hard to be excited about anything else...which makes completing a business plan and finding money to open my place almost impossible. It literally just sucks the life out of me...emotionally, physically & mentally. I know in my heart that the only way I get my own  place is to leave here. That I am not going to get this off the ground with or without investors as long as I am beating my head against a wall in this place.

Oh I wish it was as easy as making a decision. I wish it was as easy as just doing what I want to do and selfishly doing whats best for me. I wish I was better at being selfish about things that really matter. I wish that I could just say fuck it and mean it and walk away without feeling responsible for all of these people. I wish I wish I wish.....but wishing isnt going to fix this bullshit mess I call a job.


What to do...the question of the ages. How long will I make it without Mister here? Do I have the ability to not get fed up with the shit storm Im about to face and NOT walk out at some point? Oh I probably do...I am nothing if not strong enough to stay standing and stupid enough to keep taking it in the face...but the real question is do I want to?  The answer is NO - I do not. 

Now to decide do I keep at it until the Wizard is stable and the new place is open or do I do whats best for my mental & physical health and walk away? This is really the struggle. I do not want to fuck him over...sincerely I do not. Part of that is selfish, my name has been attached to this place and him for almost a decade, I dont want the house of cards to collapse and have my name associated with it in any way and make me look bad. But on the other hand I know in my heart & mind that if I dont just make the call and do it that one thing will roll into another and 1 year from now I am going to be sitting here trying to figure out how another year went by and I am still doing the same damn thing I was doing a year ago. We will never be optimally staffed because the Wizard is a cheap fucker and we will STILL be perpetually hiring the wrong people because that is all we can afford.  There will always be an event or some other hullabaloo that will need organized-set up-executed. There will always be the next big thing on the horizon. There will always be a reason that I will be needed, and a reason to back burner what I want, and a reason to not jump.

I had at first thought it was fear...but I am not scared to fail. I know that I wont, thats just not my style. Then I thought it was fear of HIS failure...and that is a large part of it.  I have invested years of my life, quarts of my bloods, gallons of my sweat and tears into these places and for it to fail after all that is just infuriating. But I think when it comes down to it that the only thing holding me back is obligation & a sense of responsibility to a boss who only has his own best interests at heart and a staff who has followed & supported me for years. I dont want to screw my peeps over...but I do every day anyway because of how tightly he's got my hands tied and how thinly I am spread.

My questions to you dear readers.....are my perceived obligations to the Wizard & my staff genuine? Is it wrong of me to cut & run after this many years and this far into a new project? Granted I prob wouldnt go until the opening is all secured, but notice would be given and I would be out soon there after. Am I deluding myself via my sense of obligation and is it really this is just me too scared to jump off the fucking cliff and leave my safety zone? These are but a sampling of the questions that spend their time bouncing around my skull...and I am genuinely interested to hear outside opinions with what limited knowledge you have.  There is something to be said for unbiased opinions...and I am definitely actively searching for some.  I am not real good at selfish...but I think it may be time for one of those big 'ol "Fuck you man! This is for me!!!" moments....

Another HAPPY NEWS!!!  Perfected my chocolate chip cookie recipe....and THAT makes me happy as all hell!  Another recipe locked down after much trial & error. SMILES!!

I hope you all are having a far less trying Monday than me...or at east one with more answers than questions anyway.